Virus Protection

A fricken Elephant

Jake is 5 and learning to read.

He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"

Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

and so it does ...

"A f r i c a n Elephant "

Hooked On Phonics strikes again.

Practical Joke

In the hospital I decided to play a joke on my doctor. The nurse handed me a cup and asked for a urine sample and the doctor would be right in to get it. While waiting I filled it with Gatorade. When the doctor came in he picked up the sample and said " Boy, this looks kinda green.". I grabbed the cup from him and said "Here I'll run it through again." and drank it.

Know what they say about real estate

They don't make it anymore.

U.S. declares swine flu public health emergency

20 cases have been confirmed so far in the U.S.; up to 81 killed in Mexico

Government officials have declared a public health emergency in connection with the swine flu outbreak that has killed dozens in Mexico and sickened 20 in the U.S., said the nation’s director of Homeland Security said Sunday.

Janet Napolitano also said border patrol agents have been directed to begin passive surveillance of travelers from Mexico, with instructions to isolate anyone who appears actively ill with suspected influenza.

The number of cases confirmed in the United States by the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is now 20, including eight New York City high school students. Other cases are in Ohio, California, Texas and Kansas. Patients have ranged in age from 9 to over 50.

“As we look for swine flu, we are seeing more cases of swine flu and we expect to see more cases of swine flu," said Dr. Richard Besser, acting director of the CDC, during a White House press conference Sunday. "We view this more as a marathon."

Napolitano said the emergency declaration is a warning, not an actual imminent emergency, similar to preparing for a hurricane.

"I wish we could call it a declaration of emergency preparedness,” Napolitano said.

Besser noted that compared to cases in Mexico, “what we’re seeing in this country is mild disease,” nothing that the U.S. cases would not have been detected without increased surveillance.

“The real important take away is that we have an outbreak of a new infectious disease that we’re addressing aggressively,” Besser said. He said he still can’t say why cases in U.S. are so much milder than the deadly cases in Mexico where up to 81 have died and more than 1,300 have been sickened since April 13.

The incubation period for this virus is 24 to 48 hour period. President Barack Obama recently traveled to Mexico but the president’s health was never in any danger, said John Brennan, Assistant to the President for Homeland Security.

President Barack Obama has received regular briefings from advisers on the swine flu outbreak and the White House readied guidance for Americans.

“The government can’t solve this alone, we need everybody to take some responsibility,” Napolitano said.

Besser urged Americans to practice frequent handwashing and to stay home if they feel sick. “If your children are sick, have a fever and flu-like illness, they shouldn’t go to school.”

The U.S. will begin screening travelers at the nation’s borders and isolating people who are actively ill with suspected influenza, the director of Homeland Security said today. No travel restrictions are issued currently, but that could change, she said.

Napolitano said she’d ordered border officials to start passive surveillance protocols to screen people at U.S. borders. asking "Are you sick? Have you been sick?"

Health officials said the facts of the outbreak don’t yet warrant testing or quarantine of travelers from Mexico, but that that could change if the situation gets worse.

Officials said Sunday they are considering whether to begin manufacture of a vaccine.

“At this point, there is not a vaccine for this swine flu strain,” Besser said.

Deaths in Mexico

Symptoms in the New York cases have been mild, said New York City Health Commissioner Thomas Frieden. New York health officials said more than 100 students at the St. Francis Preparatory School, in Queens, recently began suffering a fever, sore throat and aches and pains. Some of their relatives also have been ill.

Some St. Francis students had recently traveled to Mexico, The New York Times and New York Post reported Sunday.

The World Health Organization chief said Saturday that the strain has "pandemic potential," and it might be too late to contain a sudden outbreak.

Boston Red Sox 16 ~ New York Yankies 11

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

(2) More people are killed each year by coconuts than sharks. Approximately 150 people are killed each year by coconuts.

(3) You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

(4) Fleas have the distinction of killing more people than all the wars man has ever fought. The "Black Death" plague killed 1/4 of Europe's population in the 14th century, caused by germs transmitted from rodents to humans by fleas.

(5) The animal responsible for the most human deaths worldwide is the mosquito.

(6) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(7) A hundred years ago, the average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven.

(8) Today, only one in two billion people will live to be 116 or older.

(9) Your statistical chance of being murdered is 1 in 20,000.

(10) There are 5 times as many deaths due to the negligence of doctors as there are deaths due to firearms.

(11) On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

(12) Robert Hershey, of Hershey Chocolate fame, died when he fell into a vat of chocolate and drowned.

(13) Dr. Alice Chase, who wrote "Nutrition for Health" and numerous books on the science of proper eating, died of malnutrition.

(14) Adolph Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

(15) When Mahatma Gandhi died, an autopsy revealed that his small intestine contained five gold Krugerrands.

Where did you come from?

When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered "Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager." The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?" "Joe", he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?" Joe responds painfully, "The balcony!"

#2 Pencil

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil
(You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.)

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

Cleanliness is next to godliness.

look for the blessing

A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning.

The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she feared the electrical storm might harm her child. Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school.

As she did she saw her little girl walking along. At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile. Another and another flash of lighting followed quickly and with each the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile. When the mother's car drew up beside the child she lowered the window and called to her "What are you doing?" The child answered "I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture."

May you be blessed today and everyday as you face the storms that come your way. Your perspective makes the difference, always see the blessings!

pain

Now a lot of people have called me a pain in the ass, but after you take a look at this, do you really believe it? I don't think so!

The Importance of Time

A young man learns what's most important in life from the guy next door. It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.

Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday."

Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.

"Jack, did you hear me?"

"Oh sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said.

"Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it," Mom told him.

"I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.

"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said.

"He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important, Mom. I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said.

As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.

The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time. Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time.

The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture... Jack stopped suddenly.

"What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked.

"The box is gone," he said.

"What box?" Mom asked.

"There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was 'the thing I value most," Jack said.

It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it. "Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."

It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note read.

Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. "Mr. Harold Belser" it read.

Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside.

"Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch.

Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover.

Inside he found these words engraved:

"Jack, thanks for your time! -Harold Belser"

"The thing he valued most... was... my time."

Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked.

"I need some time to spend with my son," he said. "Oh, by the way, Janet... thanks for your time!"

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away,"

Honey, "thanks for your time" let’s take that cruse.

A little girl...

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

What are you up to there, Jenny?

Little Jenny was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the rosy-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Jenny?"

"My goldfish died," replied Jenny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Jenny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

When ya gotta go

just say "no!"

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

O o

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

o O

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

Didn't Heath Ledger do a great job as the Joker in The Dark Knight.

guy in a bar with a monkey

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He eats everything in sight. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it in his butt, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry in his butt, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Now you know the rest of the story

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test . . . we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!

The grass is always greener in the other fellow's yard

It's important in life to reach out, to strive for greater achievements, to go for that greener grass that is on the other side of the fence.

But one must also be careful

Sometimes you can reach too far!

But when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember.......

do the dishes

Jack & Dianne

Jack was a great guy and very popular with his friends but his infirmity (he lost an eye) kept him from playing sports and his family was poor so his uncle had carved an eyeball out of wood. Nevertheless he was able to attend dances and hang out with the guys (none of them knew how to dance) and have a great time. By junior year however, all the boys but Jack had drifted from the group and made fools of themselves on the dance floor to be with the girls.

Dianne had a hair lip and was very self conscious. She was a wallflower and couldn't even summon up the courage to dance with the other girls when they asked her. They always dragged her to the dance but as the attraction to the opposite sex grew stronger she was on her own more and more. Once her body developed many guys looked her way but the harelip and the thought of making out scared them off. What would the other guys say?

Junior Prom, Jack looked across the dance floor and saw a lonely person sitting by herself and thought, this is nuts. I'll ask her to dance. He drew on every once of courage in his being and pushed the fear of rejection by the girl with the beautiful body and ridicule by his friends and the other girls out of his mind and strolled across the room.

“WWWwwould yooou kkkare tto ddddaaannce?” He knew he was totally at her mercy, the entire room had stopped and paid attention to the drama being played out on the chairs by the Coke machine. Dianne enthusiastically answered, (this was what she had hoped and prayed for and what she would dream about every night) “Would I!”

To which, Jack pointed at her face and said, “HAIR LIP, HAIR LIP, HAIR LIP!!!”

Easily explained

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'."

"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.

I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'.

So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

sex education

In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?", "How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher. "Forty." she replies. "Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?" "Well, dear, how old is your sister?" The little girl answers, "Nineteen." "Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?" "How old are you, dear?" The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old." "No, dear, you can't get pregnant..." Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

hell hath no fury

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. The wife says, " Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don't have a maid" , said the wife. The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house. The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?" The maid replied, "he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife." The woman is fuming. she says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?" The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with." The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?" The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here." A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 555-4821?"

One day out shopping...

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price. She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."

As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

An attorney arrived home late...

after a very tough day trying to get a stay. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!

The Pirate

A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off." The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your hand?"

"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook." Next, the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?"

"Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye." The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that cause you to lose your eye?"

The pirate explains, "Well, it was me first day with the hook."

Adam & Eve

One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam looks puzzled at God, "Lord, what is a kiss?". God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?" "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Puzzled again he asks, "Lord, what is caress?" God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve." Puzzled yet again, "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush. A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"

keep your hands to yourself

Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His workmates were understandably curious: "Jack, what happened to you?!?" "It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the butt of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!"

"Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?"

"Naw. After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack, so I tried to poke it back in..."

nag, nag, nag.

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

insurance claim

A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. "I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company. "Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head. "You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?" "Yeah, but" stammered the farmer. "A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly. "Yes," Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said. "Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the hell would you have said to him?"

ever try to get a cab in the rain?

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab. "Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."

"Who?" asked the man. "Bill Wright. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."

"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with Tiger Woods. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"Bill was really something, huh?"

"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a steel trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him," the man said. "Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby. "Then how in the world do you know so much about him?" "I married his widow," replied the cabby.

my barber tells me jokes

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

nag, nag, nag.

An old Indian was asked the name of his wife.

He replied, "Wife Name - Three Horse."

"That's an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse.

What does it mean?"

"It's an old Indian name. Means Nag, Nag, Nag."

for everything else...

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

Jesus is watching you.

A robber breaks into a home and hears a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

Startled, he asks, "Who said that?"

Again, the voice says, "Jesus is watching you."

The robber turns around to see a parrot. He asks the parrot what his name is. The parrot replies, "Cornelius."

The robber asks, "Who names a parrot 'Cornelius'?"

The parrot replies, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus."

killer jigsaw puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then he said with a deep sigh,

'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

babys

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

And the mother says, "When the baby cries."

So they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "I forgot where I put it."

New boots

Dan went out and bought a new pair of boots.

He got home and tried to get his old lady to notice them, but she didn't.

So he went in the bedroom, took off all his clothes, and came out wearing only the new boots.

"Notice anything?", He said.

"All I can see is a limp dick". She replied.

"Yes, but look at what its pointing at, My new boots". He said.

"Huh" she replied, "Then you should have bought a new hat, Dan!"

three women are talking

and one says "you know my husband carlos' balls are always real warm" the second woman replies " wow, my husband juan's balls are also warm too! how about your husband?" and the third lady says " you know I never touched my husband's balls before, I will do that tonite and let you know tomorrow" the next day they meet again and the third lady has both her eyes black and blue, and a busted lip. "oh my god, what happened?" asks the one of the women "well, when I touched my husband's balls I told him that his balls were warm just like carlos and juan"

Once a year

Jim is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to a Canadian First Nations medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this."

That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "Jim, this is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

Jim then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your wife has to say is 1234,and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"


Jim rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."

He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the medicine man had promised.Jim's wife, who had been facing away, turns over and asks,

"What did you say 123 for?"

Accident Report

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in block #11 of the accident report form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks,in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me. This explains the two broken legs

Food

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back to the kitchen and to his distress, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

Q & A

Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.

Q. How do you double the value of a Kia Soul?
A. Fill it with gas.

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.

You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.

Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!

Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.

Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.

Q. What's a hindu?
A. Lays eggs.

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.

Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A. Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.

Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.

Q. Why did the leper crash his car?
A. He left his foot on the accelerator.

Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.

Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.

Q. What do you get when a Leper takes a bath?
A. Soup.

Q. Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A. Because there was a face off in the corner.

Q. What is Osama bin Laden's idea of safe sex?
A. Marking the camels that kick.

Q. What should Kabul get for its air defense system?
A. A refund.

Q. Why did the tree fall down?
A. The koala forgot to let go.

Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No-Eye Deer. (sound like No Idea)

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no eye deer.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sexual organs?
A. Still no fucking eye deer.

Q. Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia?
A. The Tooth Fairy

Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?
A. Yeah. They're going to call it FED UP!

Q. Did you hear about the guy who's a dyslexic-bulimic?
A. He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his ass.

Q. What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
A. They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

Nobby's EMTing Career-type Blog says:

Hoi ho Musekyto! Keep your chin up and your nose to the grindstone, and if you figure out how to do these two things at the same time; please tell me!

doctors are smart

A dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination, the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?" "Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains," she replies. "Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."

Two weeks later, it's raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!" "Well, let's have a look," he says, as he lifts her up onto the table. "Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am, this won't hurt a bit."

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that." She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?"

"I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."

Food Shopping

DeMoulas/Market Basket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts. I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher lady.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

How do you view the glass?

A well-known proverb states that an optimistic would say a glass is half full,

While a pessimist would say it is half empty.

What would people of different professions and walks of life say?

The BANKER:

Would say that the glass has just under 50% of its net worth in liquid assets.

The GOVERNMENT:

Would say that the glass is fuller than if the opposition party were in power.

The OPPOSITION:

Would say that it is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.

The ECONOMIST:

Would say that, in real terms, the glass is 25% fuller than at the same time last year.

The PHILOSOPHER:

Would say that, if the glass was in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?

The PSYCHIATRIST:

Would ask, "What did your mother say about the glass?"

The PHYSICIST:

Would say that the volume of this cylinder is divided into two equal parts; one a colourless, odourless liquid, the other a colourless, odourless gas.

Thus, the cylinder is neither full nor empty.

Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a gas, one with a liquid.

The SEASONED DRINKER:

Would say that the glass doesn't have enough ice in it.

Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

Old farts

No--You're asleep, but others worry that you re dead.

Usually they're kicking me to stop snoring.

No--You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Had cataracts and got laser surgery.

No--Your back goes out more than you do.

Strong Back (weak mind)

Y--You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

No--You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

That would be like asking for directions!

Y--You are proud of your lawn mower.

Y--Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn t breaking any laws.

No--Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

Before the laser surgery I had trouble in restaurants, the waiter kept picking the menu off the floor.

Y--You sing along with the elevator music.

Y--You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

Y--You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

No--You enjoy hearing about other people s operations.

I wanna talk about mmeeeeee!

Y--You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

Y--You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Y--People call at 9 pm. And ask, Did I wake you?

No--You have a dream about prunes.

Nah, not yet- sex, and... well, just sex.

Y--You answer a question with Because I said so!

Y--You send money to PBS.

Y--The end of your tie doesn t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

Y--You take a metal detector to the beach.

No--You wear black socks with sandals.

White sox with sandlals and everything else.

Y--You know what the word equity means.

Y--You can t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Y--Your ears are hairier than your head.

Y--You talk about good grass and you re referring to someone s lawn.

Y--You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

Y--You got cable for the weather channel.

Y--You can go bowling without drinking.

Y--You have a party and the neighbors don t even realize it

Three Men

A long line winds ahead going who knows where. One fella starts a conversation with the man ahead of him, seems like we're dead. Last thing I remember is doing a workout on my balcony. The guy in front of him raises an eyebrow. I was doing some jumping jacks and must have overdone it because I got dizzy and fell over the rail. I managed to grab on to the rail of the balcony below mine when some nut starts pounding on my hands. I finally loose my grip and fall but a tree slows my decent and a bush breaks my fall and cushions me. As I lay on the ground thanking my lucky stars; I look up and see the wacko toss a refrigerator off the third floor balcony and well, here I am...


Sorry, says the guy. I was the asshole. I came home and thought I caught my wife with another man. I searched all over and then I discovered you hanging over the edge of my balcony. If only I had asked we could both be alive; you see I was so enraged I grabbed the refrigerator and carried it out on the balcony to throw down on top of you. I had a heart attack and died then and there.


Both of them become curious and turn to the next guy in line, so- how did you die?

“Picture this”, he says, “I'm hiding in a refrigerator...”

Three Nuns

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

three knocks

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.

"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
Husband: "Guess who?"
Wife: "I know who it is!"
Husband: "Guess what I want?"
Wife: "I know what you want!"
Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

Hotel Restriction Humor

Rivkah Green from Denver decided to go on vacation to Miami in the 1920's. Upon arriving she attempted to check her baggage and settle into a quality hotel.

The concierge told her, "Sorry, there's no vacancy."

Just then, a man and his wife suddenly checked out.

Rivkah exclaimed, "Thank God! You now have a room."

"Sorry", the man behind the counter replied, "This hotel is restricted."

"And what does that mean?" she asked him.

"Jews aren't allowed here!"

"Well what makes you think I'm Jewish?" Rivkah shot back.

"I know you are!"

"Well, I'm not! I'm a Catholic! " she insisted.

"So tell me, " the man replied, "Did God have a son?"

"Sure."

"What was his name?"

"Jesus."

"And where was he born?"

"In Bethlehem, in a stable."

"And WHY was he born there?"

"Because a shmuck like you wouldn't rent his parents a room!"

country folk

When you're from the country, you look at things a little differently ....

A rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 10, opened the door.

"Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No, sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "is yer Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, DANNY? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad.

It's about your brother DANNY getting my daughter pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," He finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the BULL and $50 for the HOG, but I really don't know how much he gets fer DANNY."

share the guilt

A bunch of old timers are playing poker at the retirement home club house. Goldberg loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead. In honor of his passing, the remaining players continue the game standing up.

Bernstein is delegated to give Mrs. Goldberg the bad news. He knocks on her condo door and tells her that her husband lost $500 at cards. "That nogoodnik! He should drop dead!" shouts Mrs. Goldberg. "I'll give him your message," says Bernstein.

proper procedure

Pulled over by the Alabama State Police the driver lowered his window and smiled while saying “Howdy, friend!” The Trooper pulled his club and smacked the driver right in the mouth! “When an Alabama State Trooper pulls you over boy, you have your window down, both hands on the wheel and your drivers license in one mitt and your registration papers in the other!” “MMMppphhh, mmrrr!” replied the driver blood rushing through his hands covering his bleeding mouth. The Trooper walked around to the passenger side and tapped on the window with his club. The passenger lowered his window only to receive a bat to the face just as the driver had. “What was THAT for?” He managed to ask before the blood gushed. The Trouper replied, “Why I'm just granting your wish.” The passenger inquired, “MMMppphhh?” “Why sure, we both know that two miles down the road you're going to tell your good buddy; I wish he tried that shit on me!”

Entry for April 17, 2009

The Mahican sachem Etow Oh Koam, or Nicholas, who went to London with 3 Mohawks in 1710. He holds a ball-headed club and the turtle at his feet indicates his clan. Painting by John Verelst, 1710.

In April 1710, four “Indian Kings” representing the Five Nations Confederacy of the Iroquois (Seneca, Cayuga, Oneida, Onondaga, and Mohawk) traveled across the Great Water to visit the court of Her Majesty Queen Anne in London. These Iroquois sachems, or civil chiefs, hoped to secure British military support against the marauding French and their Indian allies (Algonquin, Montagnais, and Huron) in Canada, and to ask for missionaries to come to New York State and instruct their people. Although Native Americans had visited England before (e.g., Pocahontas in 1616), none had ever been treated as royalty on a state visit!

The “Four Indian Kings,” as they were known in England, caused a real sensation in old London town. They were celebrated and honored everywhere they went, and as foreign dignitaries of state the Indian Kings were given a Grand Tour of London, including a performance of Shakespeare’s MacBeth and a visit to the Royal Opera. They also attended a “trial of skill with sword” between two fighting Englishmen and visited the Cockpit Royal, where they witnessed the “Royal Sport” of cockfighting firsthand.

talking clock

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. 'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked. 'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied. 'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend. 'Yup,' replied the drunk. 'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it. 'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

Relationships are hard

It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

Farmers - Ranchers

Sitting on a rocker on his front porch a Maine farmer sees a Cadillac pull up and a driver in a cowboy hat lowers his window and asks for directions to Bangor. After the farmer gave them he asked about the farm. “What you raise here?” he asked, “What kind of livestock?” he continued. “How big is your spread?” The farmer replied cordially to each question and in the last case laid out his 150 acre farm.

“Ayup, from that last stand of pine you passed to the creek up ahead.” The Cadillac driver said, Why back home, I can get in my truck at dawn and drive until noon and still not reach the end of my ranch!” The farmer replied, “Ayup, had a truck like that myself once.”

Older woman

I met an older woman at a club last night. She looked great for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said. I said, "No," - excitedly. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night' and we went to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"

the history of Ashooraa

Muslims must fear Allaah and take lessons from what He has told us in the Noble Quran regarding the Prophets and Messengers of Allaah and the previous nations.

Allaah Says (what means): “There was certainly in their stories a lesson for those of understanding. Never was the Quran a narration invented, but a confirmation of what was before it and a detailed explanation of all things and guidance and mercy for a people who believe.” [Quran 12: 111]

And among the stories that Allaah has narrated to us in His Book is what happened in Allaah’s month, the sacred month of Muharram, and that is the story of Prophet Moosa (Moses may Allaah exalt his mention) and Pharaoh, the tyrant of Egypt. Allaah Almighty Says (what means): “We recite to you from the news of Moosa and Pharaoh in truth for a people who believe. Indeed, Pharaoh exalted himself in the land and made its people into factions, oppressing a sector among them, slaughtering their [newborn] sons and keeping their females alive. Indeed, he was of the corrupters. And We wanted to confer favor upon those who were oppressed in the land and make them leaders and make them inheritors. And establish them in the land and show Pharaoh and (his minister) Haman and their soldiers through them that which they had feared.” [Quran 28: 3-6]

Pharaoh dominated the nation of Israel and enslaved them, killing their newborn sons but letting their females live. The reason he committed this criminal act was the fear of the truth coming out from one of those newborn males. The nation of Israel used to know, according to what came to them from Prophet Ibraaheem (Abraham may Allaah exalt his mention), that someone from his lineage would destroy the king of Egypt. These glad tidings were famous among them; and the news of it was made known to Pharaoh. Pharaoh ordered his soldiers to kill all newborn boys of the nation of Israel; in order to secure himself from destruction.

However, all of the precautions that he made were not enough to protect him from what Allaah wanted, which was for this newborn boy to be raised in the house of Pharaoh himself. The Will of Allaah cannot be stopped by any precautions and His Ability conquers anything. So, Allaah chose for the Prophet Moosa to be born safely, to be saved from being killed, and also to be raised in Pharaoh’s own home under the protection of Allaah until he was an adult.

Later, Moosa may Allaah exalt his mention accidentally killed a person from Pharaoh’s people by mistake. Moosa may Allaah exalt his mention was afraid that he would be captured and be killed for this, so he fled to the land of Madyan and abided there for some time. He married there and then returned to Egypt. On the way back, Allaah talked to him (by revelation) and told him he was a Prophet and the Messenger to Pharaoh. Allaah told him many signs by which he will be known as the prophet of Allaah and they would show that he may Allaah exalt his mention was a true prophet.

Moosa may Allaah exalt his mention went to Pharaoh and showed him the signs of Allaah but Pharaoh was arrogant and stubborn. Allaah Says (what means): “Has there reached you the story of Moosa? - When his Lord called to him in the sacred valley of Tuwa, (Saying): "Go to Pharaoh. Indeed, he has transgressed. And say to him, 'Would you [be willing to] purify yourself And let me guide you to your Lord so you would fear [Him]?'" And he showed him the greatest sign. But Pharaoh denied and disobeyed. Then he turned his back, striving. And he gathered [his people] and called out. And said, "I am your most exalted lord." [Quran 79: 15-24]

Pharaoh claimed that the signs Moosa may Allaah exalt his mention brought were only magic and that he had magic that would overtake the magic of Moosa. So Pharaoh gathered magicians from his kingdom and they presented their magic. Moosa may Allaah exalt his mention presented what he had from the signs, which Allaah had given him.

Allaah Says (what means): “So the truth was established, and abolished was what they were doing. And Pharaoh and his people were overcome right there and became debased. And the magicians fell down in prostration (to Allaah). They said, "We have believed in the Lord of the worlds, The Lord of Moosa and Haaroon (Aaron)." [Quran 7: 118-122]

At that time, Pharaoh decided to try a different plan - fear, force and retaliation. Allaah told Moosa may Allaah exalt his mention to get every believer out of Egypt and direct them to where Allaah would tell him. Pharaoh gathered his army and forces, which were around one million soldiers, according to some references, and he chased Moosa may Allaah exalt his mention and his people, hoping to destroy them completely. Moosa may Allaah exalt his mention ended up at the sea, with Pharaoh and his army behind him. The believers were afraid because the sea was in front of them and the enemy was behind them.

Allaah Says (what means): “And when the two companies saw one another, the companions of Moses said, "Indeed, we are to be overtaken!" [Moses] said, "No! Indeed, with me is my Lord; He will guide me." [Quran 26: 61-62]

Whoever is close to Allaah, Allaah will never let him down or leave him on his own. Allaah ordered Moosa may Allaah exalt his mention to strike the sea with his staff. Moosa may Allaah exalt his mention did so and the sea opened up for them to cross. Allaah Says (what means):

“And We had inspired to Moosa, "Travel by night with My servants and strike for them a dry path through the sea; you will not fear being overtaken [by Pharaoh] nor be afraid [of drowning]." [Quran 20: 77]

Moosa may Allaah exalt his mention walked across the path that opened in the sea and the last of his people left the sea and every soldier of Pharaoh’s army was inside the path. At this time Allaah ordered the sea to collapse upon them, drowning Pharaoh and his army.

That was the victory of the truth over falsehood. The Promise of Allaah was true – He made the people of Moosa may Allaah exalt his mention victorious over Pharaoh and his army. From this story we see how the truth is victorious, regardless of the size or seeming power of falsehood. Falsehood has its own limited time, but the truth is always victorious.

This story should enrich the hearts of the believers and make them steadfast in the face of their enemies, regardless of size or seeming power of their enemies. The believer should also benefit from this story by understanding that the people of falsehood claim that they are on the right path and are calling people to the truth. In fact, the opposite is true - they rely on lies and deception.

This great event – the victory Allaah gave Moosa may Allaah exalt his mention and the believers over Pharaoh and his army - occurred on the 10th of the sacred month of Muharram and the day is called 'Aashooraa'. It is a day that has a great merit. Prophet Moosa may Allaah exalt his mention fasted on that day, and ordered his people to fast that day.

We also benefit from the story of Prophet Moosa may Allaah exalt his mention by learning that the Sunnah of the Prophets is to thank and praise Allaah in times of peace and when they gain victory over their enemies. Prophet Moosa may Allaah exalt his mention fasted on the 10th, the day on which Allaah made his followers victorious over Pharaoh; and this is another sign that the truth will always defeat falsehood.

منقول للفائده

TEHRAN, Iran - The White House said President Barack Obama is "deeply disappointed" by Iran's sentencing of an American journalist to eight years in prison for spying.

Obama's deputy national security adviser, Denis McDonough, said 31-year-old Roxana Saberi is an American reporter who was simply practicing journalism. The U.S. is working with Swiss diplomats in Iran to get details about the court's decision and to ensure Saberi's well-being.

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton and Sen. Byron Dorgan, D-N.D., from Saberi's home state, also criticized the sentencing on Saturday.

"We will continue to vigorously raise our concerns to the Iranian government," Clinton said in a statement released by the State Department.

Dorgan called the sentencing "a shocking miscarriage of justice."

Saberi, a former Miss North Dakota, was arrested in late January and initially accused of working without press credentials. But earlier this month, an Iranian judge leveled a far more serious allegation, charging her with spying for the United States.

She appeared before an Iranian court behind closed doors on Monday in an unusually swift one-day trial. The Fargo, N.D., native had been living in Iran for six years and had worked as a freelance reporter for several news organizations, including National Public Radio and the British Broadcasting Corp.

Her lawyer Abdolsamad Khorramshahi said he will appeal the verdict.

Her father, Reza Saberi, told the NPR that his daughter had been coerced into statements that she later retracted. "She was deceived," he said. "She is quite depressed about this matter and she wants to go on a hunger strike. And if she does, she is so frail it can be very dangerous to her health."

Strained ties

The United States has called the charges against Saberi baseless and has demanded her release. The conviction and prison sentence could put strains on efforts to improve ties.

President Barack Obama has said he wants to engage Iran in talks on its nuclear program and other issues — a departure from the tough talk of the Bush administration.

Iran has been mostly lukewarm to the idea, but on Thursday Iran's hard-line president gave the clearest signal yet that the Islamic Republic was also willing to start a new relationship with Washington.

The United States severed diplomatic relations with Iran after its 1979 Islamic revolution and takeover of the U.S. Embassy in Tehran.

Human rights groups have repeatedly criticized Iran for arresting journalists and suppressing freedom of speech. The government has arrested several Iranian-Americans in the past few years, citing alleged attempts to overthrow its Islamic government through what it calls a "soft revolution." But they were never put on trial and were eventually released from prison.

'One of the brightest people'

Saberi's father is Iranian and her mother Japanese, but she was born in the United States and attended grade school in Fargo. Her ninth-grade history teacher, Vic Youngs, called her "one of the brightest people I've ever had in class."