A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
Sunday, May 31, 2009
A traveling salesperson
A salesman checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her ... you know the kind.
He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9".
He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her ... you know the kind.
He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9".
Scientists Issue Unprecedented Forecast of Next Sunspot Cycle
NCAR scientists Mausumi Dikpati (left), Peter Gilman,
and Giuliana de Toma examine results from a new computer
model of solar dynamics. (Photo by Carlye Calvin, UCAR)
BOULDER—The next sunspot cycle will be 30-50% stronger than the last one and begin as much as a year late, according to a breakthrough forecast using a computer model of solar dynamics developed by scientists at the National Center for Atmospheric Research (NCAR). Predicting the Sun’s cycles accurately, years in advance, will help societies plan for active bouts of solar storms, which can slow satellite orbits, disrupt communications, and bring down power systems.
Farmers - Ranchers
A man owned a small ranch in Montana . The Montana Department of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."
"That's the guy I want to talk to -- the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the rancher.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."
"That's the guy I want to talk to -- the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the rancher.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Supermarket
A new supermarket opened here. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the dairy cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bakery department features the tantalizing aroma of fresh baked bread.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Friday, May 29, 2009
words
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo", She said.
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
"Winnie the SHIT."
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo", She said.
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
"Winnie the SHIT."
Thursday, May 28, 2009
one lost night
A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and saying a sweet "hello!"
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. Finally he says, "Um, do you know me?" She replies, "I think you're the father of one of my children."
Uh oh....
He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and has a sudden recollection of a drunken party.
"My god," he says. "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I coaxed into a private room with a $50 bill, and then we had sex on the pool table with all my buddies watching from the door while I yelled 'I call the corner pocket!' while you screamed 'Harder, harder!' and 'Deeper, deeper!'?"
She hardly missed a beat when she said "Well, no. I'm your son's math teacher."
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. Finally he says, "Um, do you know me?" She replies, "I think you're the father of one of my children."
Uh oh....
He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and has a sudden recollection of a drunken party.
"My god," he says. "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I coaxed into a private room with a $50 bill, and then we had sex on the pool table with all my buddies watching from the door while I yelled 'I call the corner pocket!' while you screamed 'Harder, harder!' and 'Deeper, deeper!'?"
She hardly missed a beat when she said "Well, no. I'm your son's math teacher."
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
As a service to my single, female friends...
How to install a home security system
1. Go to the Goodwill Store and buy a pair of men's work boots, size 14-16 (well used).
2. Place them on the front porch along with a copy of Gun and Ammo magazine.
3. Put a couple of BIG dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba!
Big Jim, Duke, Slim and Me gone for more ammo. We'll get back in about 1 hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls--they got after the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all the dogs in the house.
Better just wait outside til we get back.
Cooter
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
"Don't laugh at me
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
“Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing.
A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
Things went downhill from there.
“Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing.
A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
Things went downhill from there.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Putting your Affairs in order
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the Waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your Friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??' 'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.' And THAT, my child, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your Friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??' 'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.' And THAT, my child, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'
Arlington
Military burials
Creighton Abrams (1914-1974), United States Army General who commanded U.S. military operations in the Vietnam War from 1968-1972
"Hap" Arnold (1886-1950), first General of the Air Force
Ray Barker (1889-1974), United States Army Major General was Deputy Chief of Staff for Supreme Headquarters Allied Expeditionary Force, and commanded the 78th Infantry Division after World War II (1945-1946).
Gordon Beecher (1904-1973), United States Navy Vice Admiral and composer
Jeremy Michael Boorda (1939-1996), US Navy Admiral and Chief of Naval Operations
Gregory "Pappy" Boyington (1912-1988), World War II Marine Corps fighter ace, Medal of Honor recipient, and commander of VMF-214, the "Black Sheep Squadron" (basis for the 1970s TV series Baa Baa Black Sheep)
Omar N. Bradley (1893-1981), commanded the 12th Army Group in Europe during World War II, first Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
Ruby G. Bradley (1907-2002), Colonel and, with 34 medals, one of the most decorated women in U.S. military history
Miles Browning (1897-1954), World War I and World War II Navy officer and hero of the Battle of Midway
Omar Bundy (1861-1940), World War I Major General who commanded the 1st Brigade, 1st Expeditionary Division in France, awarded the French Legion of Honor and the Croix de Guerre.
Roger Chaffee (1935-1967) and Gus Grissom (1926-1967), astronauts killed in the Apollo 1 fire (Edward White was buried at West Point)
Claire Lee Chennault (1893–1958), was a United States military aviator who commanded the "Flying Tigers" during World War II.
Bertram Tracy Clayton (1862-1918), Congressman from New York, killed in action in 1918
Louis Cukela (1888-1956), Marine Corps Major, awarded two Medals of Honor for same act in World War I
Jane Delano (1862-1919), Director, Army Nursing Corps
Sir John Dill (1881-1944)
United Kingdom, British Diplomat and Field Marshal
William J. Donovan (1883-1959), Major General and Chief of the OSS during World War II
Abner Doubleday (1819-1893), Civil War general erroneously credited with inventing baseball
Clarence Ransom Edwards (1860-1931), commanded the 26th "Yankee" Division in World War I
Frank J. Fletcher (1885-1973), Admiral, U.S. Navy, World War II; operational commander at Coral Sea and Midway; awarded Medal of Honor.
Nathan Bedford Forrest III (1905-1943) Brigadier General of the United States Army Air Forces, and a great-grandson of Confederate General Nathan Bedford Forrest. First American general to be killed in action during World War II
Rene Gagnon, Ira Hayes and Michael Strank: three of the six servicemen immortalized in Joe Rosenthal's iconic photo Raising the Flag on Iwo Jima (Strank was killed in action just days after the photo was taken)
John Gibbon (1827-1896), Brigadier General, Union Army, Civil War, most notably commander of 2nd Division, US II Corps that repelled Pickett's Charge at the Battle of Gettysburg.
David Haskell Hackworth (1930–2005), Colonel and most decorated American soldier
William "Bull" Halsey (1882-1959), World War II Navy five-star Fleet Admiral
Kara Spears Hultgreen (1965–1994), the first female naval carrier-based fighter pilot
James Jabara (1923-1966), the first American jet ace in history. He's credited with shooting down 15 enemy aircraft during aerial combat.
Daniel "Chappie" James, Jr. (1920-1978), USAF, first African American four-star General in the U.S. Armed Forces
Philip Kearny (1815-1862), "fearless" one-armed cavalry general killed at Chantilly during the Civil War
Włodzimierz B. Krzyżanowski (1824-1887), Polish military leader and Civil War Union general
Mark Matthews (1894-2005), last surviving Buffalo Soldier
Francis Lupo (1895-1918), Private killed in France during World War I; holds the distinction of possibly being the longest U.S. service member missing in action to be found (1918-2003)
David McCampbell (1910-1996), Captain, the US Navy's top World War II Ace with 34 kills
Montgomery Cunningham Meigs (1816-1892), Brigadier General. Arlington National Cemetery was established by Brig. Gen. Montgomery C. Meigs, who commanded the garrison at Arlington House and appropriated the grounds on June 15, 1864 for use as a military cemetery. His intention was to render the house uninhabitable should the Lee family ever attempt to return. A stone and masonry burial vault in the rose garden, 20 feet (6.1 m) wide and 10 feet (3.0 m) deep, and containing the remains of 2,111 Civil War dead, was among the first monuments to Union dead erected under Meigs' orders. Meigs himself was later buried within 100 yards (91 m) of Arlington House with his wife, father and son.
Glenn Miller (1904-1944), Major and well known band leader who disappeared over the English Channel while flying to Paris. His body was never found, but he has a memorial headstone.
Audie Murphy (1924-1971), U.S. Army, America's most decorated combat soldier of World War II and popular movie actor
George S. Patton IV (1923-2004), Major General of the Army and son of famed WWII General, George S. Patton
John J. Pershing (1860-1948), America's first General of the Armies, commanded American forces in World War I
David Dixon Porter (1813-1891), Admiral, Union Navy, Civil War, most notable as the Union naval commander during the Vicksburg Campaign, a turning point of the war which split the Confederacy in two.
Francis Gary Powers (1929-1977), American U-2 pilot shot down over the Soviet Union in 1960
John Aaron Rawlins (1831-1869), Civil War general, chief of staff and later Secretary of War to Ulysses S. Grant
Alfred C. Richmond (1902-1984), Commandant of the United States Coast Guard
Hyman G. Rickover (1900-1986), father of the Nuclear Navy
Matthew Ridgway (1895-1993), WWII and Korea General, Chief of Staff of the Army
William S. Rosecrans (1819-1898), Major General, Army of the Cumberland, Union Army, Civil War
Thomas Selfridge (1882-1908), First Lieutenant in the U.S. Army and the first person to die in a crash of a powered airplane
Philip Sheridan (1831-1888), commanding general, Union Army, Civil War
Daniel E. Sickles (1819-1914), Major General, III Corps, Army of the Potomac, Union Army, Civil War. Also served as U.S. Minister to Spain and as U.S. Representative from New York
Walter Bedell Smith (1895-1961), General, U.S. Army, World War II, Dwight D. Eisenhower's Chief of Staff during Eisenhower's tenure at SHAEF and Director of the CIA from 1950 to 1953. Also served as U.S. Ambassador to the Soviet Union from 1946 to 1948.
Larry Thorne (1919-1965)
Finland, Finnish soldier who served in the US special forces and was a World War II veteran; called "soldier who fought under three flags (Finland, Germany and USA)"
Matt Urban (1919-1995), Colonel, U.S Army, most highly decorated soldier for valor in the history of the US Military
Jonathan Mayhew Wainwright IV (1883-1953), Major General, hero of Bataan and Corregidor; highest ranking POW in World War II
Robert Webb (1922-2002), B-17 Flying Fortress pilot
Joseph Wheeler (1836–1906), served as a Major General for two opposing forces: the Confederate Army during the Civil War, and the U.S. Army during the Spanish-American War and Philippine-American War
Orde Charles Wingate (1903–1944)
Clark H. Woodward (1877-1968), Vice Admiral, served in five wars: the Spanish-American War, Philippine-American War, Boxer Rebellion and both World Wars
Charles Young (1864-1922), first African-American Lieutenant colonel in the US Army
As of May 2006, there were 367 Medal of Honor recipients buried in Arlington National Cemetery,[1] nine of whom are Canadians.
Wartime service members with other distinguished careers
Hugo Black, Justice U.S. Supreme Court.
William Brennan, Justice U.S. Supreme Court.
Ron Brown, Secretary of Commerce.
William Jennings Bryan, Secretary of State, three time Presidential Candidate and popular orator.
Bill Buckley, CIA Station Chief murdered in Beirut.
Clark Clifford, Secretary of Defense and advisor to four Presidents.
Charles "Pete" Conrad, Jr. was an American astronaut and the third man to walk on the Moon.
Dwight F. Davis, Secretary of War, established the Davis Cup.
John Foster Dulles, Secretary of State.
Medgar Evers, Civil Rights activist.
Dashiell Hammett, author.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr, Justice U.S. Supreme Court, wounded three times during the Civil War, "The Great Dissenter."[2]
Grace Hopper, Rear Admiral and pioneer computer scientist.
Robert G. Ingersoll, political leader and popular orator, noted for his agnosticism.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy (1917-1963), Served U.S. Navy during World War II, Member of Congress (1947-1953), United States Senator from Massachusetts (1953-1961), President of the United States (1961-1963).
Frank Kowalski, United States Representative from Connecticut and World War II Army veteran.
Pierre Charles L'Enfant
France, military engineer, architect and urban planner who designed the city of Washington, D.C.
Robert Todd Lincoln, Secretary of War.
Joe Louis, world heavyweight boxing champion.
Allard Lowenstein, U.S. Congressman from New York. [1]
John Roy Lynch, former Slave, Major US Army and Member of Congress.
Mike Mansfield, longest serving Senate Majority Leader and Ambassador to Japan.
Lee Marvin, former US Marine and actor.
Ilona Massey, Hollywood actress, Donald Dawson's wife
Bill Mauldin, political cartoonist.
George B. McClellan, Jr. (1865-1940) Mayor of New York (1904-1909), son of Union Army Major General George B. McClellan
John C. Metzler, Sergeant in World War II and former superintendent of Arlington National Cemetery from 1951-1972. His son, John C. Metzler, Jr. is the current superintendent (1991-present).
Daniel Patrick Moynihan, U.S. Senator from New York.
Spottswood Poles, perhaps the greatest outfielder of the Negro Leagues.
Earl W. Renfroe, orthodontist who helped originate the concept of preventive and interceptive orthodontics.
Frank Reynolds, television news anchorman.
Johnny Micheal Spann, CIA officer killed in Afghanistan.
Samuel S. Stratton, fifteen-term U.S. Representative from New York.
William Howard Taft, (1857–1930) Secretary of War (1904-1908), President (1909-1913) and Chief Justice of the United States (1921-1930).
George Westinghouse, Civil War veteran and founder of Westinghouse Electric.
Harvey W. Wiley, first Commissioner of the Food and Drug Administration and "Father" of the Pure Food and Drug Act.
Charles Willeford, World War II veteran and author.
Notable civilians
Julian Bartley, Sr. (54) and his son Jay Bartley (20), killed together in the U.S. Embassy at Nairobi terrorist attack.
Harry Blackmun, Thurgood Marshall, William O. Douglas and Potter Stewart, four U.S. Supreme Court Justices.
Leslie Coffelt, US Secret Service member killed fighting off would-be-assassins of President Harry S. Truman.
Robert Francis Kennedy (1925-1968), United States Attorney General (1961-1964) and United States Senator from New York (1965-1968).
Phyllis Kirk, famous TV and film actress, alongside her husband.
Jacqueline Lee Bouvier Kennedy Onassis (1929-1994), wife of President John F. Kennedy and First Lady (1961-1963).
James Parks, the only person buried at Arlington Cemetery who was born on the grounds.
Marie Teresa Rios, author of Fifteenth Pelican, basis for The Flying Nun television show.
United States Capitol Police Officers John Gibson and Jacob Chestnut were killed in the line of duty and granted burials at the cemetery.
Leslie Sherman, Virginia Tech student killed in mass shooting, April 16, 2007. [2]
Sunday, May 24, 2009
This guy walks into a bar
and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck", he says, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink".
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies.' The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "Timex." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "Ford, because Quality is Job 1." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look he asks, "Why Secret?" The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Navajo humor
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian Reservation in Arizona. One day, a Navajo Elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated.
"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the Moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the Moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message they asked the son to translate it. He refused.
So, the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the Elder's message to any people on the Moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the Moon message said, "Watch out for these bastards, they have come to steal your land."
"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the Moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the Moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message they asked the son to translate it. He refused.
So, the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the Elder's message to any people on the Moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the Moon message said, "Watch out for these bastards, they have come to steal your land."
Friday, May 22, 2009
A guy walks into a bar...
and says to the bartender, "I want a 12-year-old scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with a 5-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls, and says, "Hey bartender! This crap is 5-year-old scotch.I told you that I wanted a 12-year-old."
The bartender won't give up and tries once more, this time with an 8-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces, and says, "Bartender, I do not want 8-year-old scotch like this filth. Give me a 12-year-old scotch or I'll leave!"
Impressed, the bartender gives him the 12-year-old scotch on the house. The man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."
A disgusting, ugly, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"
The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "So how old am I?"
Thursday, May 21, 2009
The only drunk in the Scottish village
passed away, much to the relief of the locals. He beat his wife, never worked, was hard on their sons, and was a thief. At the small pauper's funeral at the only church in the burg, the minister, after several readings and prayers and a song, admitted he had naught positive to say about the deceased. He asked the small gathering if anyone had anything good to say about the man. You could have heard a pin drop. He repeated the question and, in the back of the chapel, an elderly lady stood and said, "Aye, his brother was worse!"
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge," he squeaks?
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge!," he roars?
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells - "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"
"It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first." "It was 'Momma Bear' who woke everybody else in the house up." "It was 'Momma Bear' who made the Coffee." "It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away." "It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper." "It was 'Momma Bear' who set the table." "It was 'Momma Bear' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish."
"And, now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace 'Momma Bear' with your presence, ...listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one time... "I haven't made the @!#$%^&* Porridge, yet!!"
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Rottweiler
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
Monday, May 18, 2009
No joy in beantown today
The Magic dethroned the defending NBA champions on Sunday, beating Boston 101-82 in Game 7 for their second straight victory and earning the right to play the Cleveland Cavaliers for a spot in the NBA finals. It was the first time the NBA's most-decorated franchise, which won its record 17th title last year, had lost a series after holding a 3-2 lead.
A man had to attend a large convention
- in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour." The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?" The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
Sunday, May 17, 2009
You Are Going To Be Very Very Disappointed
The 8th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up angrily and said, "You should not be asking eighth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again: "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. She said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and asked the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and replied, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
"Very good, Billy," said Mrs. Parks. Then, turning to Mary, she said: "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say. One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
No one answered until little Mary stood up angrily and said, "You should not be asking eighth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again: "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. She said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and asked the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and replied, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
"Very good, Billy," said Mrs. Parks. Then, turning to Mary, she said: "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say. One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
Saturday, May 16, 2009
No joy in beantown today
Boston fans woke up Thursday morning pinching themselves over how lucky they were to have the Bruins in a Game 7 after trailing the series three games to one, the injury-riddled Celtics in a Game 6 and the Red Sox doing well. By the end of Thursday night their joy became a nightmare as all three teams lost.
Friday, May 15, 2009
well deserved
I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend
Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the
bar. After a half hour of gathering his courage, he
approached her and asked, “Would you mind if I chatted
with you for a while?”
She responded by yelling at the top of her voice, “No, I
won’t go home with you tonight!”
With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back
to our table, puzzled and humiliated.
A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and
apologized.
“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you,” she said, “but I’m a
graduate student in psychology and I’m studying human
reaction to embarrassing situations.”
At the top of his lungs Justin replied, “What do you mean,
two hundred dollars?!”
Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the
bar. After a half hour of gathering his courage, he
approached her and asked, “Would you mind if I chatted
with you for a while?”
She responded by yelling at the top of her voice, “No, I
won’t go home with you tonight!”
With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back
to our table, puzzled and humiliated.
A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and
apologized.
“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you,” she said, “but I’m a
graduate student in psychology and I’m studying human
reaction to embarrassing situations.”
At the top of his lungs Justin replied, “What do you mean,
two hundred dollars?!”
Thursday, May 14, 2009
just like on tv
This grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup.
She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
the one hundred dollars
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC, and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC, and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Two Middle Eastern mothers
are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The elder of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now" "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" mom confides. "Oh so sad dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21" "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born". "He's a martyr too" says mom quietly. "Oh gracious me." says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby, my beautiful Ahmed, he's 18, she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school". "He's a martyr also," says mom, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs. "They just blow up so fast, don't they?"
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now" "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" mom confides. "Oh so sad dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21" "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born". "He's a martyr too" says mom quietly. "Oh gracious me." says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby, my beautiful Ahmed, he's 18, she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school". "He's a martyr also," says mom, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs. "They just blow up so fast, don't they?"
Monday, May 11, 2009
a lesson learnt
A duck hunter was out in the marsh, enjoying the beautiful hunting weather when he felt the urge to relieve himself. So he walked over to the bushes and propped his gun against a tree. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew and knocked his gun over, discharging it and shooting him in the genitals.
Awaking several hours later in a hospital bed, our duck hunter is approached by his doctor. “Sir,” the doc begins “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there’s no internal damage,and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.” “Wow, that’s great!” replied the hunter. “So what’s the bad news?” “The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.” “Oh, well that’s not so bad I guess,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”“Not exactly.” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the local symphony, and she’s gonna to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t pee in your eye.”
Awaking several hours later in a hospital bed, our duck hunter is approached by his doctor. “Sir,” the doc begins “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there’s no internal damage,and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.” “Wow, that’s great!” replied the hunter. “So what’s the bad news?” “The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.” “Oh, well that’s not so bad I guess,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”“Not exactly.” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the local symphony, and she’s gonna to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t pee in your eye.”
Sunday, May 10, 2009
The silent treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
epitaph
Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of
their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
Saturday, May 9, 2009
It's elementary
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
A guy walks into a grocery store.
He finds the box of matches he was looking for and goes to the check-out counter. The lady, looking a bit uncomfortable, swipes the box of matches. "That will be $89.99 please." The man looks shocked and says: "What!! $89.99 for a box of matches!! You must be crazy!" The woman says: "If the cash register says $89.99, then you pay $89.99. "Well," the man says. "You know what you can do with that box of matches, don't you?" "Unfortunately not, sir, because there's already a $99 pineapple filling that!"
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Company buzz words
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or why the project failed, and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes lots of noise, and then leaves.
Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to couch potato.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes lots of noise, and then leaves.
Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to couch potato.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Blog for 5-7-09
TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING
THROUGH THE DESERT
DURING SOME POINT OF THE
JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN
ARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIEND
SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE
IN THE FACE,
THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED
WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT
SAYING ANYTHING,
WROTE IN THE SAND ,
TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.
THEY KEPT ON WALKING,
UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS,
WHERE THEY DECIDED
TO TAKE A BATH
THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN
SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE
MIRE AND STARTED DROWNING,
BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.
AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM
THE NEAR DROWNING,
HE WROTE ON A STONE:
TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SAVED MY LIFE,
THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED
AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND
ASKED HIM, AFTER I HURT YOU,
YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW,
YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?
THE FRIEND REPLIED
WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US
WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN
IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OF
FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.
BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES
SOMETHING GOOD FOR US,
WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE
WHERE NO WIND
CAN EVER ERASE IT,
LEARN TO WRITE
YOUR HURTS IN
THE SAND AND TO
CARVE YOUR
BENEFITS IN STONE.
THEY SAY IT TAKES A MINUTE TO FIND A SPECIAL
PERSON,
AN HOUR TO
APPRECIATE THEM,
A DAY
TO LOVE THEM,
BUT THEN,
AN ENTIRE LIFE
TO FORGET THEM.
DO NOT VALUE THE THINGS
YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE, BUT VALUE
WHO YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE!
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you
meet is fighting some kind of battle.
THROUGH THE DESERT
DURING SOME POINT OF THE
JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN
ARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIEND
SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE
IN THE FACE,
THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED
WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT
SAYING ANYTHING,
WROTE IN THE SAND ,
TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.
THEY KEPT ON WALKING,
UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS,
WHERE THEY DECIDED
TO TAKE A BATH
THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN
SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE
MIRE AND STARTED DROWNING,
BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.
AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM
THE NEAR DROWNING,
HE WROTE ON A STONE:
TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SAVED MY LIFE,
THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED
AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND
ASKED HIM, AFTER I HURT YOU,
YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW,
YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?
THE FRIEND REPLIED
WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US
WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN
IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OF
FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.
BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES
SOMETHING GOOD FOR US,
WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE
WHERE NO WIND
CAN EVER ERASE IT,
LEARN TO WRITE
YOUR HURTS IN
THE SAND AND TO
CARVE YOUR
BENEFITS IN STONE.
THEY SAY IT TAKES A MINUTE TO FIND A SPECIAL
PERSON,
AN HOUR TO
APPRECIATE THEM,
A DAY
TO LOVE THEM,
BUT THEN,
AN ENTIRE LIFE
TO FORGET THEM.
DO NOT VALUE THE THINGS
YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE, BUT VALUE
WHO YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE!
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you
meet is fighting some kind of battle.
I'll have to try this...
Wife comes home early and catches her hubby jerking off in the kitchen.
She rushes over and gives him the best blowjob of his life.
Afterwards he asks, "We haven't had sex for six months and suddenly this. Why?" She answers, "I just washed the floor this morning, I'd rather brush my teeth than clean the fuckin' floor again!"
She rushes over and gives him the best blowjob of his life.
Afterwards he asks, "We haven't had sex for six months and suddenly this. Why?" She answers, "I just washed the floor this morning, I'd rather brush my teeth than clean the fuckin' floor again!"
hands on approach
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
What Goes Around, Comes Around
Once on a very windy day, a rabbi was walking along, when a strong gust of wind blew his hat off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat, but the wind was too strong and it kept blowing his hat further and further away.
A non-Jewish young man, seeing what had happened ran after the hat, caught it and gave it back to the rabbi. The rabbi was so grateful that he gave the young man twenty dollars and blessed him.
The young man was so excited that he decided to go the race track and with the rabbi's blessing fresh in his mind decided to check the program and place the entire twenty dollars on a horse. After the races he went home and recounted his very exciting day to his father. "I arrived at the fifth race and looked at the program. I saw this horse named 'Top Hat' was running. The odds on this horse were 100 to 1 but since I received the rabbi's blessing I bet the entire twenty dollars on 'Top Hat' and guess what? He won! In the next race, there was a horse named 'Stetson' at 30 to 1 so I bet the entire amount of my winnings on him, and guess what ... I won again!"
"So did you bring the money home?" asked his father.
"No," said the son, "I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse named 'Chateau' that was a heavy favorite so I bet everything on him, and since that meant 'hat' in French I figured he was a sure thing."
"You fool!" said the father. "Hat in French is 'chapeau' not 'chateau!' But who won the race?"
"A real long shot," said the son. "A Japanese horse named Yamaka..."
A non-Jewish young man, seeing what had happened ran after the hat, caught it and gave it back to the rabbi. The rabbi was so grateful that he gave the young man twenty dollars and blessed him.
The young man was so excited that he decided to go the race track and with the rabbi's blessing fresh in his mind decided to check the program and place the entire twenty dollars on a horse. After the races he went home and recounted his very exciting day to his father. "I arrived at the fifth race and looked at the program. I saw this horse named 'Top Hat' was running. The odds on this horse were 100 to 1 but since I received the rabbi's blessing I bet the entire twenty dollars on 'Top Hat' and guess what? He won! In the next race, there was a horse named 'Stetson' at 30 to 1 so I bet the entire amount of my winnings on him, and guess what ... I won again!"
"So did you bring the money home?" asked his father.
"No," said the son, "I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse named 'Chateau' that was a heavy favorite so I bet everything on him, and since that meant 'hat' in French I figured he was a sure thing."
"You fool!" said the father. "Hat in French is 'chapeau' not 'chateau!' But who won the race?"
"A real long shot," said the son. "A Japanese horse named Yamaka..."
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Old farts
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him once more.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes, and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?"
She replied "Up."
This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing! What gives?"
She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown."
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Entry for May 05, 2009
- Many years ago, on the good ship lollipop a shipment of Mayonnaise was sent to Mexico as a gift. As you well know mayonnaise is "One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion." Had the delivery been successful, salsa may have been put on the back burner. It was not, the ship went down in sight of land on 5-5-1291. The Mexican peoples have a long memory and to this very day they hold an annual celebration called
- "THE SINKO de MAYO!"
- Happy Fifth of May Mexico!
Sunday, May 3, 2009
WHO changes swine flu name to 'H1N1 influenza', 257 confirmed case
The largest spike came from Mexico, where the number jumped from 26 cases to 97, including seven deaths. In the United States, across ten states, there were 109 cases including one death of a toddler in Texas.
Keiji Fukuda, the health security chief of the WHO, said it would cease use of the word "swine" and stick with the scientific title of a new variant of influenza A(H1N1).
"We know it is an H1N1 virus. This is scientifically accurate and doesn't place any stigmas," he said.
"This is to try to reduce some of the overreactions to swine flu as a name," Fukuda said, urging people not to overstep in their reactions.
The spread of the virus is believed to be in the form of human-to-human transmission and not from pigs or pork. In spite of moves by states to ban imports of pork from affected countries, the WHO has insisted eating properly prepared pig flesh was not a danger.
Late Wednesday the health agency had raised its pandemic influenza alert to Phase 5, just one below the highest, in light of evidence showing sustained human-to-human transmission in communities in the United States and Mexico.
The WHO has not ruled out that it will raise the level once more, but said while the disease was spreading, it had not yet pinned down the nature of the virus. It caused mild disease in most cases but had also shown itself to be fatal.
"No move to phase 6 is imminent right now," said Fukuda. There is "nothing that epidemiologically suggests to us today that we should be moving towards phase 6."
"We shouldn't be panicking. The right way to approach this is to be alert," he explained.
"The whole reason for doing this, going through phases, letting people know, is to prepare and provide as much time to prepare as possible," Fukuda went on.
"Influenza pandemics occurred in the past. We know they can be quite mild, they can be in between or quite severe," he said, adding that the WHO wanted to avoid taking the situation too lightly now only for it to rear up later as a dangerous pandemic.
"Prepare for the worst and if something much softer comes along, count your blessings," he summed up the philosophy at the WHO.
Canada had 19 cases in four provinces. Spain had 13 confirmed cases, including one case of community spread, with the rest in people who returned from Mexico, where the outbreak is believed to have started.
Other countries with confirmed cases included Britain, New Zealand, Germany, Israel and Austria.
Countries were reporting some higher numbers while others, not on the WHO list yet, including Switzerland, the host country of the WHO, said they had confirmed cases.
The increases in statistics were largely from final laboratory results that were made public.
Meanwhile, the International Federation of the Red Cross and Red Crescent Societies (IFRC) said it was appealing for $4.4 million to respond to the outbreak.
The federation, which unites all national societies, said it was ready to mobilize hundreds of thousands of volunteers across the globe should the need arise.
"The number of volunteers is increasing by the hour," said Tammam Aloudat, a health expert with the IFRC. In Mexico they were "active in communities by spreading messages, doing surveillance support and also handling the transport of patients."
He noted that those most at risk were people who were uninformed about personal health and those living in poor, crowded areas where sanitation networks were dirty and insufficient.
Like the WHO and private sector drug companies, the IFRC said the world was better prepared then ever for a possible pandemic due to steps taken following the avian flu outbreak earlier this decade, primarily the preparation of national action plans.
Leon Edward Panetta
Leon Edward Panetta (born June 28, 1938) is the current Director of the Central Intelligence Agency. An American Democratic politician, lawyer, and professor, Panetta served as President Bill Clinton's White House Chief of Staff from 1994 to 1997 and was a member of the United States House of Representatives from 1977 to 1993. He is the founder and director of the Panetta Institute, served as Distinguished Scholar to Chancellor Charles B. Reed of the California State University System and professor of public policy at Santa Clara University. In January 2009, President Barack Obama nominated Panetta for the post of CIA Director; he was confirmed by the full Senate on February 12, 2009, and assumed the office the next day.
Early life and schooling
Leon Panetta was born in Monterey, California, the son of Carmelina Maria (née Prochilo) and Carmelo Frank Panetta, Italian immigrants from Siderno in Calabria[3] who owned a restaurant in Monterey. He was raised in the Monterey area, and attended Catholic schools St. Carlos Grammar School and Carmel Mission School. He continued his education at Monterey High School, a public school where he became involved in student politics. As a junior he was Vice President of the Student Body, and became President of the Student Body as a senior.
In 1956, he entered Santa Clara University, and in 1960 he graduated magna cum laude with a Bachelor of Arts in Political Science. He also received a Juris Doctor in 1963 from the Santa Clara University School of Law, and soon after began practicing law. In 1964, he joined the United States Army as a Second Lieutenant. There he received the Army Commendation Medal, and was discharged in 1966 as a First Lieutenant.
Political career
Panetta started in politics in 1966 as a legislative assistant to Republican Senator Thomas Kuchel, the United States Senate Minority Whip from California, whom Panetta has called "a tremendous role model"[4].
In 1969 he became the assistant to Robert H. Finch, Secretary of the United States Department of Health, Education, and Welfare under the Nixon administration. Soon thereafter he was appointed Director of the Office for Civil Rights.
Panetta chose to enforce civil rights and equal education laws, even under alleged political pressure not to from then-president Nixon. Robert Mardian said of Panetta: "Doesn't he understand Nixon promised the Southern delegates he would stop enforcing the Civil Rights and Voting Rights Acts?"[5]. Secretary Robert Finch and Assistant Secretary John Veneman refused to fire Panetta, threatening to resign if forced to do so. A few weeks later in 1970, Panetta resigned and left Washington to work as Executive Assistant for John Lindsay, the Republican Mayor of New York City. He wrote about this experience in his 1971 book Bring Us Together: The Nixon Team and the Civil Rights Retreat.
He moved back to Monterey to practice law at Panetta, Thompson & Panetta from 1971 through to 1976.
Congressional work
Panetta switched to the Democratic Party in 1971, because he thought that the Republican Party was moving away from the political center. In 1976, Panetta was elected to the U.S. Congress to represent California's 16th congressional district, unseating incumbent Republican Burt Talcott with 53% of the vote (the 17th district after the 1990 census), and was reelected for nine terms.
During his time in Congress, his work concentrated mostly on budget issues, civil rights, education, health, and environmental issues, particularly preventing oil drilling off the California coast. He wrote the Hunger Prevention Act (Public Law 100-435) of 1988 and the Fair Employment Practices Resolution. He was a major factor in establishing the Monterey Bay National Marine Sanctuary.
His positions included:
* Chairman of the U.S. House Committee on the Budget
* Chairman of the Agriculture Committee's Subcommittee on Domestic Marketing, Consumer Relations, and Nutrition
* Chairman of the Administration Committee's Subcommittee on Personnel and Police
* Chairman of the Task Force on Domestic Hunger created by the U.S. House Select Committee on Hunger
* Vice Chairman of the Caucus of Vietnam-Era Veterans in Congress
* Member of the President's Commission on Foreign Language and International Studies.
Budget work
A member of the U.S. House Committee on the Budget from 1979 to 1985—and its chairman from 1989 to 1993—he played a key role in the 1990 Budget Summit.
Though elected to a ninth term, he left the House in 1993 after then-President Bill Clinton selected him to be Director of the United States Office of Management and Budget. He is credited with developing the budget package that would eventually result in the balanced budget of 1998. On July 17, 1994, he was appointed White House Chief of Staff by Clinton, a position he held until January 20, 1997. He was an important negotiator of the 1996 budget, which was another important step towards balancing the budget.
Nomination as CIA Director
Panetta (right) meets with National Security Advisor Anthony Lake and President Clinton in 1994.
President Barack Obama nominated him as the next Director of the Central Intelligence Agency on January 5, 2009.[1]
After his selection, journalists and politicians raised concerns about his lack of intelligence experience.
David Ignatius, a reporter, said that Panetta did have tangential exposure to intelligence operations as Director of the OMB and as Chief of Staff for President Clinton, where he "sat in on the daily intelligence briefings as chief of staff, and he reviewed the nation's most secret intelligence-collection and covert-action programs in his previous post as director of the Office of Management and Budget."[6] Senator Dianne Feinstein, the California Democrat chairwoman of the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence, wasn't happy with the Leon Panetta selection:
“I was not informed about the selection of Leon Panetta to be the CIA Director. I know nothing about this, other than what I’ve read. My position has consistently been that I believe the Agency is best-served by having an intelligence professional in charge at this time.”[7]
On February 12, 2009, Panetta was confirmed in the full Senate by voice vote.[8]
On February 19, 2009, Leon Panetta was sworn in as Director of the Central Intelligence Agency by Vice President Joe Biden before an audience of CIA employees. Panetta reportedly received a "rock star welcome" from his new subordinates.[9]
In March 2009, Panetta visited India, a crucial ally in the war on terrorism, to discuss a host of issues including common strategy on dealing with Islamic extremism and Taliban. This was his first international visit since he assumed office.[10]
Beyond politics
Panetta and his wife founded the Leon & Sylvia Panetta Institute for Public Policy' in December 1998, where they serve as the Institute's directors. The Institute is located at California State University, Monterey Bay. Panetta was instrumental in creating CSU Monterey Bay by converting Fort Ord, where he was chief of operations and planning of the intelligence section when he was in the army, into the university. Panetta served as Distinguished Scholar to the Chancellor of California State University[11] and as Presidential Professor at Santa Clara University. He was urged to consider running for Governor of California during the recall election in 2003 but declined in part because of the short time available to raise money.
Panetta has long been an advocate for the health of the world's oceans. As a member of Congress from California’s 16th District, he wrote numerous successful acts of Congress to protect the California coast, including legislation creating the Monterey Bay National Marine Sanctuary.[11][12][13] In 2003, Panetta was named chairman and commissioner of the Pew Oceans Commission, which in 2005 combined with the U.S. Commission on Ocean Policy to establish the Joint Ocean Commission Initiative. Panetta now co-chairs the Joint Ocean Commission Initiative with Admiral James D. Watkins, U.S. Navy (Ret.).[14] Panetta continues to pursue his commitment to ocean and marine life issues, serving as a resource for legislators and the media, advocating for ocean reform on behalf of the Joint Ocean Commission Initiative as well as other ocean organizations, including the National Marine Sanctuary Foundation[15] and the Monterey Bay Aquarium.[16]
In 2006 he was part of the Iraq Study Group, also known as the Baker Commission.
bad choice
By RALPH PETERS
WOULD you ask your accountant to perform brain surgery on your child? That's the closest analogy I can find to the choice of Democratic Party hack Leon Panetta to head the CIA.
Earth to President-elect Obama: Intelligence is serious. And infernally complicated. When we politicize it - as we have for 16 years - we get 9/11. Or, yes, Iraq.
The extreme left, to which Panetta's nomination panders, howled that Bush and Cheney corrupted the intelligence system. Well, I worked in the intel world in the mid 1990s and saw how the Clinton team undermined the system's integrity.
Al Qaeda a serious threat? The Clinton White House didn't want to hear it. Clinton was the pioneer in corrupting intelligence. Bush was just a follow-on homesteader.
Now we've fallen so low that left-wing cadres can applaud the nomination of a CIA chief whose sole qualification is that he's a party loyalist, untainted by experience.
The director's job at the CIA isn't a party favor. This is potentially a matter of life and death for thousands of Americans. But the choice of Panetta tells us all that Barack Obama doesn't take intelligence seriously.
Mark my words: It'll bite him in the butt.
After the military, the intel community is the most complex arm of government. You can't do on-the-job training at the top. While a CIA boss needn't be a career intelligence professional, he or she does need a deep familiarity with the purposes, capabilities, limitations and intricacies of intelligence.
Oh, and you'd better understand the intelligence bureaucracy.
Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-Calif.), who was blindsided - and appalled - by the Obama mafia's choice, has the essential knowledge of how the system works. She, or a similar expert, should have gotten this nod. But the president-elect wanted a clean-slate yes-man, not a person of knowledge and integrity.
We're witnessing the initial costs of Obama's career-long lack of interest in foreign policy, the military and intelligence. He doesn't think the top job at the CIA's important and just wants political cover on that flank. (Guess we got Panetta because Caroline Kennedy has another engagement.)
Forget a "team of rivals." Obama's creating a campaign staff for 2012.
Of course, he's reeling from the shrill rage of the Moveon.org crowd over his nomination of grown-ups to be his national-security adviser, director of national intelligence, administrator of veterans' affairs and, yes, secretary of state. (By the way, how could Hillary be dumb enough to accept a job where success is impossible?)
Panetta's appointment is a sop to the hard left, a signal that intelligence will be emasculated for the next four - or eight - years.
Think morale's been bad at the CIA? Just wait.
Conservatives played into this scenario by insisting that any CIA analysis that didn't match the Bush administration's positions perfectly amounted to an attack on the White House. Well, sorry. The intelligence community's job isn't to make anybody feel good - its core mission is to provide nonpartisan analysis to our leaders.
To be a qualified D-CIA, a man or woman needs a sophisticated grasp of three things: The intel system, foreign-policy challenges and the Pentagon (which owns most of our intelligence personnel and hardware). Panetta has no background - none - in any of these areas. He was never interested.
If you handed Leon Panetta a blank map of Asia, I'd bet my life he couldn't plot Baghdad, Kabul or Beijing within 500 miles of their actual locations. (Maybe he can see China from his California think tank?)
This shameless hack appointment is the first action by the incoming administration that seriously worries me. Get intelligence wrong and you get dead Americans.
Ralph Peters was a career intelligence officer in the US Army.
WOULD you ask your accountant to perform brain surgery on your child? That's the closest analogy I can find to the choice of Democratic Party hack Leon Panetta to head the CIA.
Earth to President-elect Obama: Intelligence is serious. And infernally complicated. When we politicize it - as we have for 16 years - we get 9/11. Or, yes, Iraq.
The extreme left, to which Panetta's nomination panders, howled that Bush and Cheney corrupted the intelligence system. Well, I worked in the intel world in the mid 1990s and saw how the Clinton team undermined the system's integrity.
Al Qaeda a serious threat? The Clinton White House didn't want to hear it. Clinton was the pioneer in corrupting intelligence. Bush was just a follow-on homesteader.
Now we've fallen so low that left-wing cadres can applaud the nomination of a CIA chief whose sole qualification is that he's a party loyalist, untainted by experience.
The director's job at the CIA isn't a party favor. This is potentially a matter of life and death for thousands of Americans. But the choice of Panetta tells us all that Barack Obama doesn't take intelligence seriously.
Mark my words: It'll bite him in the butt.
After the military, the intel community is the most complex arm of government. You can't do on-the-job training at the top. While a CIA boss needn't be a career intelligence professional, he or she does need a deep familiarity with the purposes, capabilities, limitations and intricacies of intelligence.
Oh, and you'd better understand the intelligence bureaucracy.
Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-Calif.), who was blindsided - and appalled - by the Obama mafia's choice, has the essential knowledge of how the system works. She, or a similar expert, should have gotten this nod. But the president-elect wanted a clean-slate yes-man, not a person of knowledge and integrity.
We're witnessing the initial costs of Obama's career-long lack of interest in foreign policy, the military and intelligence. He doesn't think the top job at the CIA's important and just wants political cover on that flank. (Guess we got Panetta because Caroline Kennedy has another engagement.)
Forget a "team of rivals." Obama's creating a campaign staff for 2012.
Of course, he's reeling from the shrill rage of the Moveon.org crowd over his nomination of grown-ups to be his national-security adviser, director of national intelligence, administrator of veterans' affairs and, yes, secretary of state. (By the way, how could Hillary be dumb enough to accept a job where success is impossible?)
Panetta's appointment is a sop to the hard left, a signal that intelligence will be emasculated for the next four - or eight - years.
Think morale's been bad at the CIA? Just wait.
Conservatives played into this scenario by insisting that any CIA analysis that didn't match the Bush administration's positions perfectly amounted to an attack on the White House. Well, sorry. The intelligence community's job isn't to make anybody feel good - its core mission is to provide nonpartisan analysis to our leaders.
To be a qualified D-CIA, a man or woman needs a sophisticated grasp of three things: The intel system, foreign-policy challenges and the Pentagon (which owns most of our intelligence personnel and hardware). Panetta has no background - none - in any of these areas. He was never interested.
If you handed Leon Panetta a blank map of Asia, I'd bet my life he couldn't plot Baghdad, Kabul or Beijing within 500 miles of their actual locations. (Maybe he can see China from his California think tank?)
This shameless hack appointment is the first action by the incoming administration that seriously worries me. Get intelligence wrong and you get dead Americans.
Ralph Peters was a career intelligence officer in the US Army.
boats at sea
Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?"
"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin'
over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,
Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two.
I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"
silver anniversary
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
drug store
A man walks into a drug store and says to the beautiful female pharmacist, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy."
"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."
So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful pharmacist sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the pharmacist. Then he pulls it it out and sticks it through the second hole where the pharmacist begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The pharmacist takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is beginning to stumble back in.
She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"
"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"
"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."
So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful pharmacist sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the pharmacist. Then he pulls it it out and sticks it through the second hole where the pharmacist begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The pharmacist takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is beginning to stumble back in.
She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"
"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"
allways wear clean underware...
Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"
So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"
So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
The 135th running of the Kentucky Derby
| Horse | Jockey | Wt. | PP | 1/4 | 1/2 | 3/4 | 1M | Str. | Fin. | To $2 |
| Mine That Bird | Borel | 126 | 8 | 19 | 19 | 19 | 1-2½ | 1-1 | 1-6¾ | 101.20 |
| Pioneerof the Nile | Gomez | 126 | 15 | 3-½ | 3-hd | 4-½ | 2-hd | 2-½ | 2-no | 12.60 |
| Musket Man | Coa | 126 | 2 | 8-hd | 8-1 | 7-1 | 7-1 | 4-1 | 3-hd | 38.00 |
| Papa Clem | Bejarano | 126 | 7 | 5-1 | 4-½ | 3-hd | 4-1 | 3-1½ | 4-6 | 24.40 |
| Chocolate Candy | Smith | 126 | 11 | 17-½ | 12-hd | 15-½ | 8-3 | 7-3 | 5-hd | 20.00 |
| Summer Bird | Rosier | 126 | 16 | 16-½ | 16-2 | 16-hd | 15-2 | 9-1 | 6-1¼ | 87.20 |
| Join in the Dance | Decarlo | 126 | 9 | 1-½ | 1-1 | 1-1½ | 1-½ | 5-hd | 7-½ | 102.80 |
| Regal Ransom | Garcia | 126 | 10 | 2-1½ | 2-1 | 2-1 | 3-1½ | 6-2 | 8-¾ | 45.20 |
| West Side Bernie | Elliott | 126 | 1 | 13-1½ | 17-hd | 14-1 | 17-½ | 13-hd | 9-2 | 64.80 |
| General Quarters | Leparoux | 126 | 12 | 12-1 | 13-2 | 11-½ | 10-hd | 10-1½ | 10-1½ | 20.60 |
| Dunkirk | Prado | 126 | 14 | 9-2 | 10-1½ | 9-hd | 11-hd | 12-1½ | 11-1½ | 10.40 |
| Hold Me Back | Desormeaux | 126 | 5 | 14-hd | 5-½ | 6-½ | 5-1½ | 8-1½ | 12-½ | 25.40 |
| Advice | Douglas | 126 | 4 | 15-3 | 15-1½ | 17-1 | 13-2 | 14-½ | 13-¾ | 98.00 |
| Desert Party | Dominguez | 126 | 18 | 4-hd | 6-1 | 5-hd | 6-hd | 11-hd | 14-1¼ | 29.60 |
| Mr. Hot Stuff | Velazquez | 126 | 3 | 18-6 | 18-2 | 18-6 | 16-½ | 16-3 | 15-8½ | 56.80 |
| Atomic Rain | Bravo | 126 | 13 | 10-2 | 9-½ | 10-2 | 9-1 | 15-4 | 16-3½ | 110.40 |
| Nowhere to Hide | Bridgmohan | 126 | 17 | 11-hd | 14-hd | 12-1 | 18-2 | 18-2 | 17-7½ | 91.00 |
| Friesan Fire | Saez | 126 | 6 | 6-hd | 7-½ | 8-hd | 14-hd | 17-1½ | 18-1¼ | 7.60 |
| Flying Private | Albarado | 126 | 19 | 7-½ | 11-½ | 13-½ | 19 | 19 | 19 | 93.20 |
Scratched: I Want Revenge.
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