Whatever you give a woman she will make greater.
If you give her sperm she will give you a baby.
If you give her a house she will give you a home.
If you give her groceries she will give you a meal.
If you give her a smile she will give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So if you give her any crap be ready to receive a ton of shit.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
the bird Mr. Spade
A Canadian duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender,
“Ya got any bread?”
The bartender explains that they don't have a grill, etc. and discovers himself talking to an empty bar as the duck waddles out the door. This scenario is repeated day after day:
Duck: “Ya got any bread?”
bartender: “no!”
Finally in frustration the bartender says (while emphatically pounding his finger into the counter top),
“If you ask me for bread, I'm gonna nail your bill to this bar.”
Duck: “Ya got any nails?”
bartender: “no!”
Duck: “Ya got any bread?”
“Ya got any bread?”
The bartender explains that they don't have a grill, etc. and discovers himself talking to an empty bar as the duck waddles out the door. This scenario is repeated day after day:
Duck: “Ya got any bread?”
bartender: “no!”
Finally in frustration the bartender says (while emphatically pounding his finger into the counter top),
“If you ask me for bread, I'm gonna nail your bill to this bar.”
Duck: “Ya got any nails?”
bartender: “no!”
Duck: “Ya got any bread?”
Chicken Surprise
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'
Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts separately with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman, now much older, stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'
''Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts separately with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman, now much older, stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'
''Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.
Modern medicine
A man goes to the doctor with a sore arm.
Doc says: "I haven't got time to see you, just put a urine sample in the machine in the hall".
The man does so, and the machine prints out the following:
"You have tennis elbow, bathe your arm in warm salty water and avoid strenuous exercise".
Intrigued the man decides to put the machine to the test. So he goes home and gets urine samples from his wife and daughter, adds a dog turd and then masturbates into the mixture for good measure. He returns to the doctors and puts the mixture in the machine. The machine whirls and clicks and then prints out the following:
"Your dog has worms, take it to the vet
Your daughter is using cocaine, get her into rehab'
Your wife is pregnant.
It's twins.
They aren't yours.
Find a good divorce lawyer.
And if you don't stop masturbating your tennis elbow will never get better".
Doc says: "I haven't got time to see you, just put a urine sample in the machine in the hall".
The man does so, and the machine prints out the following:
"You have tennis elbow, bathe your arm in warm salty water and avoid strenuous exercise".
Intrigued the man decides to put the machine to the test. So he goes home and gets urine samples from his wife and daughter, adds a dog turd and then masturbates into the mixture for good measure. He returns to the doctors and puts the mixture in the machine. The machine whirls and clicks and then prints out the following:
"Your dog has worms, take it to the vet
Your daughter is using cocaine, get her into rehab'
Your wife is pregnant.
It's twins.
They aren't yours.
Find a good divorce lawyer.
And if you don't stop masturbating your tennis elbow will never get better".
position is important
Four nuns are going up to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates and says:
"I have to ask you all something: have you ever touched a man's penis"?
The first nun replies: "Only once, and just with the tip of my finger".
St. Peter replies: "Very well then. Dip your finger in the holy water and go on into heaven".
He asks the second nun the same question, and she replies:
"Just once....with.. um... the palm of my hand".
"Wash your hand in the holy water and go on into heaven".
Just then the fourth nun barges in front of the third nun.
"Please wait your turn" says St.Peter.
The fourth nun angrily replies:
"I am not gargling with that after she's had her ass in it"!
"I have to ask you all something: have you ever touched a man's penis"?
The first nun replies: "Only once, and just with the tip of my finger".
St. Peter replies: "Very well then. Dip your finger in the holy water and go on into heaven".
He asks the second nun the same question, and she replies:
"Just once....with.. um... the palm of my hand".
"Wash your hand in the holy water and go on into heaven".
Just then the fourth nun barges in front of the third nun.
"Please wait your turn" says St.Peter.
The fourth nun angrily replies:
"I am not gargling with that after she's had her ass in it"!
friends help you move real friends help you move bodies
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself
يه دوست معمولي وقتي مي آد خونت مث مهمون رفتار ميکنه
يه دوست واقعي در يخچال رو باز ميکنه و از خودش پذيرايي ميکنه
========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears..
يه دوست معمولي هرگز گريه تو رو نديده............
يه دوست واقعي شونه هاش از اشکاي تو خيسه
......
============ ========= ========= =========
A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names. A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.
يه دوست معمولي اسم کوچيک پدر و مادر تو رو نمي دونه
....
يه دوست واقعي اسم وشماره تلفن اون هارو تو دفترش داره
.
========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= =======
A simple friend brings a bottle of DRINK to your party. A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean
يه دوست معمولي يه شيشه نوشيدني واسه مهمونيت مي آره
.
يه دوست واقعي زودتر ميآد تا تو آشپزي بهت کمک کنه و ديرتر مي ره تا به کمکت همه جارو جمع و جور کنه
.....
========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
A simple friend hates it when you call after they've gone to bed. A real friend asks you why you took so long to call
يه دوست معمولي متنفره از اين که وقتي رفته که بخوابه بهش تلفن کني
..
يه دوست واقعي ميپرسه چرا يه مدته طولانيه که زنگ نمي زني؟
========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ======
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A real friend seeks to help you with your problems
يه دوست معمولي ازت ميخواد راجع به مشکلاتت باهاش حرف بزني
يه دوست واقعي ازت ميخواد که مشکلاتتو حل کنه
.
========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========
يه دوست معمولي وقتي مي آد خونت مث مهمون رفتار ميکنه
يه دوست واقعي در يخچال رو باز ميکنه و از خودش پذيرايي ميکنه
========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears..
يه دوست معمولي هرگز گريه تو رو نديده............
يه دوست واقعي شونه هاش از اشکاي تو خيسه
......
============ ========= ========= =========
A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names. A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.
يه دوست معمولي اسم کوچيک پدر و مادر تو رو نمي دونه
....
يه دوست واقعي اسم وشماره تلفن اون هارو تو دفترش داره
.
========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= =======
A simple friend brings a bottle of DRINK to your party. A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean
يه دوست معمولي يه شيشه نوشيدني واسه مهمونيت مي آره
.
يه دوست واقعي زودتر ميآد تا تو آشپزي بهت کمک کنه و ديرتر مي ره تا به کمکت همه جارو جمع و جور کنه
.....
========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
A simple friend hates it when you call after they've gone to bed. A real friend asks you why you took so long to call
يه دوست معمولي متنفره از اين که وقتي رفته که بخوابه بهش تلفن کني
..
يه دوست واقعي ميپرسه چرا يه مدته طولانيه که زنگ نمي زني؟
========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ======
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A real friend seeks to help you with your problems
يه دوست معمولي ازت ميخواد راجع به مشکلاتت باهاش حرف بزني
يه دوست واقعي ازت ميخواد که مشکلاتتو حل کنه
.
========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========= ========
New York Yankee
A New York family of baseball supporters headed out one Saturday to shop for the youngest boy's birthday. While in the sports shop the son picks up a Red Sox jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Red Sox fan and I would like this Boston jersey for my birthday."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him upside his head and says,"Go talk to your mother."
Off goes the little lad with the jersey in hand and finds his mother.
"Mom?"
"Yes, son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday."
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says,"Go talk to your father!"
Off he goes with the Red Sox jersey in hand and finds his father.
Dad?"
"Yes, son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son in the back of his head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been a Red Sox fan for an hour and I already hate you Yankee bastards."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him upside his head and says,"Go talk to your mother."
Off goes the little lad with the jersey in hand and finds his mother.
"Mom?"
"Yes, son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday."
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says,"Go talk to your father!"
Off he goes with the Red Sox jersey in hand and finds his father.
Dad?"
"Yes, son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son in the back of his head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been a Red Sox fan for an hour and I already hate you Yankee bastards."
words
In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to approach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hesitantly.
"Well," she said very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked "Is that one word or two?"
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to approach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hesitantly.
"Well," she said very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked "Is that one word or two?"
The new priest
is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.... and try saying things like... "Yes, I see," and "Yes, go on," and "I understand. " The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit... what happened next??"
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.... and try saying things like... "Yes, I see," and "Yes, go on," and "I understand. " The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit... what happened next??"
the bird Mr. Spade
A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?" The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Friday.
"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"
"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars.
But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."
"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"
"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars.
But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."
You have to be smart to be a poet
A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."
The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.
The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."
The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.
The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"
The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."
The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.
The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."
The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.
The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"
The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
the Irish
Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop
on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,
"Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this
several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over
to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,
"Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this
several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over
to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
Many Irish were Carpenters
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd
been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to
bother him and he went to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood
from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to
bother him and he went to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood
from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
The Irish Prest
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to Burke and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?
Burke said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
Burke said, "Oh, when I die, yes I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to Burke and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?
Burke said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
Burke said, "Oh, when I die, yes I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Bored housewife
A woman is having an affair and her lover is in bed with her when they hear (OMG) her husband pull into the driveway. “I'll stall him,” she says, “you hide in the closet until the coast is clear.” The lover grabs his clothes and hides. In the distance he hears the husband say he forgot his wallet and decided to come home for lunch.
Hopefully, he won't even come upstairs.
“It's dark in here!” The boyfriend almost jumps out of his skin! It's little Johnny, the wife's little boy. Obviously curious about what his mother did with her lover and curious about sex he had been hiding in the closet observing the pair. “Shush!” says the boyfriend. “What the hell are you doing in the closet?” “Well, I'd rather be outside playing ball but I lost mine.” The boyfriend rummages through his pockets and gives little Johnny a ten. “Ball's not much good without a glove.” If he would just shut up! The boyfriend forks another fifty over. “I used to have a nice bat.”
After a pleasant lunch with her husband and a quick search to find his billfold the bored housewife returns to the bedroom but the closet is empty. She does spy her son out in the yard though and goes right down to confront him, “Where did you get all that money?” Little Johny replies that he found it. She grabs him by the ear and demands the truth. Little Johny still replies that he found it. “It's off to confession for you.” And she halls him down to church.
Little Johnny is kneeling in the darkness when the priest slides the small door, “It's dark in here.” To which the priest replies, “Now don't start that again!”
Hopefully, he won't even come upstairs.
“It's dark in here!” The boyfriend almost jumps out of his skin! It's little Johnny, the wife's little boy. Obviously curious about what his mother did with her lover and curious about sex he had been hiding in the closet observing the pair. “Shush!” says the boyfriend. “What the hell are you doing in the closet?” “Well, I'd rather be outside playing ball but I lost mine.” The boyfriend rummages through his pockets and gives little Johnny a ten. “Ball's not much good without a glove.” If he would just shut up! The boyfriend forks another fifty over. “I used to have a nice bat.”
After a pleasant lunch with her husband and a quick search to find his billfold the bored housewife returns to the bedroom but the closet is empty. She does spy her son out in the yard though and goes right down to confront him, “Where did you get all that money?” Little Johny replies that he found it. She grabs him by the ear and demands the truth. Little Johny still replies that he found it. “It's off to confession for you.” And she halls him down to church.
Little Johnny is kneeling in the darkness when the priest slides the small door, “It's dark in here.” To which the priest replies, “Now don't start that again!”
the Irish
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
this ol' man
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are...)
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are...)
the Irish
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff
one - just had another fight with the little woman."
Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken shit!"
one - just had another fight with the little woman."
Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken shit!"
the Irish have a fondness
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
In Bast'n the obituary was know as the Irish funny pages
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
Sam and Edith
Sam and Edith were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and there an escort was waiting to show them inside.
St. Peter took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. Their favorite clothes hanging in the closet. They gasped in
astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
Sam asked how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," their companion replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
Sam looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," the companion replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said their companion to Sam. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Edith. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," the companion replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
Sam pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
Sam glared at Edith and said, "You and your shitty bran muffins. We could have been here 15 years ago."
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and there an escort was waiting to show them inside.
St. Peter took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. Their favorite clothes hanging in the closet. They gasped in
astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
Sam asked how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," their companion replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
Sam looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," the companion replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said their companion to Sam. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Edith. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," the companion replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
Sam pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
Sam glared at Edith and said, "You and your shitty bran muffins. We could have been here 15 years ago."
Great Italian Sex
The Jewish man said, 'Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five minutes at the end!'
The Frenchman boasted, 'Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes!'
The Italian man said, 'Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!'
The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, 'What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?'
The Italian man said, 'I wiped my hands on the curtains.'
The Frenchman boasted, 'Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes!'
The Italian man said, 'Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!'
The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, 'What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?'
The Italian man said, 'I wiped my hands on the curtains.'
My big fat Greek wedding..
A mother takes her daughter aside on the eve of marrige and says, "Some day, and that day may never come, but if it does- your husband may ask you to turn around. Now it is a pre-disposition of Greeks toward anal sex, and your father and I have always enjoyed it, but I want you to know you can refuse! You don't have to turn around for him!"
-
Sure enough, six months later her hubby asks her to turn over for him. She sternly rebukes him and says, "My Momma says I don't have to!" "But honey," he replies, "I thought you wanted children."
-
Sure enough, six months later her hubby asks her to turn over for him. She sternly rebukes him and says, "My Momma says I don't have to!" "But honey," he replies, "I thought you wanted children."
New car
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
taxi to Logan
A woman stops a taxi.
- To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
- Well, you haven't arrived to the airport yet neither.
- To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
- Well, you haven't arrived to the airport yet neither.
I need tampons
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine-year-old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either." The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?" The nine-year old says "They're for my four-year-old little brother." The cashier is surprised: "Your four year-old-brother?" The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of those things."
I'll show you mine if you show me yours...
There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!"
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!"
I hate those Cheerios
A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, ''When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'.'' The 4-year-old happily agrees. As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, ''Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios." The surprised mother reacts quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, ''And what would YOU like for breakfast?'' ''I don't know,'' the 4-year-old blubbers, ''but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!''
Oh shit!
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table".
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door".
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table".
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door".
the bird Mr. Spade
A magician got his big break on a cruse line. He was on a great vacation cruse and only had to work two hours a day. There was a fly in the ointment though, One of the other acts had a parrot and it kept giving away all his secrets. Aawwaarrkk, it's up his sleeve; etc.
One night the ship hit an iceberg and sank. The magician was able to pull himself out of the freezing water and onto a door still attached to a huge frame. As the waves surged beneath him the door would open partially and then slam down violently, Just when he thought it couldn't get any worse the parrot flew down and landed on the far end of his improvised raft. Aawwaarrkk, said the parrot sticking it's head under the door and then pulling back when it slammed down. A few times the magician even tried to push the door down faster as the parrot began to look like a fine meal.
Aawwaarrkk, said the parrot, I give up, where'd you put the boat?
One night the ship hit an iceberg and sank. The magician was able to pull himself out of the freezing water and onto a door still attached to a huge frame. As the waves surged beneath him the door would open partially and then slam down violently, Just when he thought it couldn't get any worse the parrot flew down and landed on the far end of his improvised raft. Aawwaarrkk, said the parrot sticking it's head under the door and then pulling back when it slammed down. A few times the magician even tried to push the door down faster as the parrot began to look like a fine meal.
Aawwaarrkk, said the parrot, I give up, where'd you put the boat?
Little Johnny is too smart for his class
Little Johnny is too smart for his class
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny, what's your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.
While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3. Johnny: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Johnny both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Johnny, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Johnny replied:
"Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Johnny: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Johnny: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Johnny: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Johnny: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny, what's your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.
While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3. Johnny: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Johnny both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Johnny, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Johnny replied:
"Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Johnny: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Johnny: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Johnny: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Johnny: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "
the Irish
The old Irish tour guide led the group to the blarney stone and showed the visitors how to lean out backwards and kiss it to get the 'gift of gab'. One woman said, “That's ridiculous, there must be an easier way.” “Well,” replied the guide, “It is true that if you kiss someone who has kissed the blarney stone that you will indeed receive the gift.” Indignant at the idea the matron says, “Surely you don't have the gall to suggest that I kiss you!” “CERTAINLY NOT, MUM!” spat the guide, “why I haven't even kissed the stone myself.” Satisfied, the woman turned to walk away, and the guide continued, “but I did sit on it.”
The hinge and the teapot
Earl was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.
At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"
Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300."
My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Earl had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"
Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300."
My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Earl had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
just Fred
A California Highway Patrol Officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day, he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies. Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred", the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name"?
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know it's a funny last name, but kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I'm just Fred".
The officer walked away in tears from laughing so hard and tore up the ticket.
"Fred," he replies. Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred", the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name"?
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know it's a funny last name, but kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I'm just Fred".
The officer walked away in tears from laughing so hard and tore up the ticket.
What Goes Around, Comes Around
One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un rewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"Claire", he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker. "It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un rewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"Claire", he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker. "It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!
What Goes Around, Comes Around
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."
"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer.
At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.
"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.
"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.
"I'll make you a deal. Let me take him and give him a good education. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll grow to a man you can be proud of."
And that he did. In time, Farmer Fleming's son graduated from St.Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known. Throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the nobleman's son was stricken with pneumonia. What saved him? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.
Someone once said: What goes around comes around.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."
"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer.
At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.
"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.
"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.
"I'll make you a deal. Let me take him and give him a good education. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll grow to a man you can be proud of."
And that he did. In time, Farmer Fleming's son graduated from St.Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known. Throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the nobleman's son was stricken with pneumonia. What saved him? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.
Someone once said: What goes around comes around.
The moral of the story
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. "
What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story, Sarah." "Grace, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Gerry. Aunt Gerry was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the away from Aunt Gerry when she's been drinking.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. "
What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story, Sarah." "Grace, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Gerry. Aunt Gerry was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the away from Aunt Gerry when she's been drinking.
Quotations
You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." . . .Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." . . . Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." . . . Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Ferrari 360." . . . Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." . . . Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." . . . George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." . . . Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." . . . Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." . . . Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." . . . Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." . . . Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." . . . Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" . . . Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." . . . . Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house." . . . Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." . . . Robin Williams
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." . . . Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." . . . Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Ferrari 360." . . . Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." . . . Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." . . . George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." . . . Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." . . . Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." . . . Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." . . . Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." . . . Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." . . . Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" . . . Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." . . . . Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house." . . . Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." . . . Robin Williams
A little tribute to Bob Hope
Bob Hope
May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill."
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 "I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."
ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham.'"
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill."
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 "I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."
ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham.'"
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
Old man's perspective
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man.
"You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time
you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy,
you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives,
eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock;
no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00
and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
"You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time
you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy,
you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives,
eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock;
no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00
and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
kids
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year old son
in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him
to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company, he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board...."
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him
to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company, he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board...."
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
As you slide down the banister of life
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written An impressive new book.
It's called ......... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink And be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and Your boss,
the Pope only expects you To kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant Flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to Your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled
and That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes
Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression
that he just cleaned the whole house.
9 My next house will have no kitchen -
just Vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my Mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'
11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
12. As you slide down the banister of life,
may The splinters never point the wrong way.
It's called ......... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink And be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and Your boss,
the Pope only expects you To kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant Flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to Your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled
and That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes
Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression
that he just cleaned the whole house.
9 My next house will have no kitchen -
just Vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my Mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'
11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
12. As you slide down the banister of life,
may The splinters never point the wrong way.
TO THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 40's, 50's, 60's, ........
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O. K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then Ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no internet or internet chat rooms... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live in us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little league had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't, had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids. . . . Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O. K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then Ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no internet or internet chat rooms... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live in us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little league had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't, had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids. . . . Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
the human race is doomed
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
(and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, ooh..fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
I hope you smiled at least once!
Live Well
Laugh Often
Love Much
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
(and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, ooh..fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
I hope you smiled at least once!
Live Well
Laugh Often
Love Much
happyness
Remember the five rules to be happy
پنج قانون خوشبختي را به خاطر بسپاريد
1. Free your heart from hatred.
قلبتان را از نفرت پاک کنيد
2. Free your mind from worries.
ذهنتان را از نگراني ها دور کنيد
3. Live simply.
ساده زندگي کنيد
4. Give more.
بيشتر بخشش کنيد
5. Expect less.
کم تر توقع داشته باشيد
پنج قانون خوشبختي را به خاطر بسپاريد
1. Free your heart from hatred.
قلبتان را از نفرت پاک کنيد
2. Free your mind from worries.
ذهنتان را از نگراني ها دور کنيد
3. Live simply.
ساده زندگي کنيد
4. Give more.
بيشتر بخشش کنيد
5. Expect less.
کم تر توقع داشته باشيد
truth
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
=======================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
=====================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive....
so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....
=====================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'
And then the fight started...
=====================
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started..
====================
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I
should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
the car, playing golf "
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home
one day,
I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair
of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone
only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,
'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
always right, and the other is the husband.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
=======================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
=====================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive....
so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....
=====================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'
And then the fight started...
=====================
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started..
====================
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I
should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
the car, playing golf "
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home
one day,
I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair
of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone
only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,
'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
always right, and the other is the husband.
good advice costs nothing and is worth the price
Heading into the jungle on his first safari, the American visitor was confident he could handle any emergency. He sidled up to the experienced native guide and said smugly. “I know that carrying a torch will keep lions away.” “True,” the guide replied. “But it depends on how fast you carry the torch.”
good advice costs nothing and is worth the price
Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.
Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.
Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.
“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”
Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.
Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.
“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”
Teacher: There is Sugar in sperm
Girl: Why doesn't it taste sweet, then when she realized what she said her face became red like a spanked monkey's ass.
Teacher: Because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the part of your tongue near the back of your throat.
The girl started crying and left class.
Teacher: Because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the part of your tongue near the back of your throat.
The girl started crying and left class.
man on a plane
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when he turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the stranger. ‘How about nuclear power?’ and he smiles.
‘OK, ‘ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks
about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’
To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don’t know shit?
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the stranger. ‘How about nuclear power?’ and he smiles.
‘OK, ‘ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks
about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’
To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don’t know shit?
going native
Two immigrants go to a baseball game and enjoy Americana- when a vendor selling hot dogs comes by they decide to go native. After they're done one asks the other, “So, which part of the dog did you get?”
Better than a flu shot
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'
military humor
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop
at the game
Fella's at the urinal between periods at the game last night. Next to him is a very fat guy who suddenly, for no discernible reason, blurts out,
"I haven't seen my penis in 15 years."
Not knowing what to say at such a confession, and wanting to be helpful, the other guy says, "why don't you diet?"
"Dye it?" says the fat man. "What color is it now ?
"I haven't seen my penis in 15 years."
Not knowing what to say at such a confession, and wanting to be helpful, the other guy says, "why don't you diet?"
"Dye it?" says the fat man. "What color is it now ?
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Old Blue
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives.
But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives.
But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
things were better before caller ID
Anger Management for Rude People
When you have a REALLY bad day, take it out on someone you don't know!
[When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know - take it out on someone you don't know…]
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, “Hello.”
I politely said, “This is Jason Braemore. Could I please speak with Rachel Carter?”
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me - I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Rachel's correct number and called her - I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again…
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You're a scumbag!” and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'scumbag' next to it, and put it on my speed dial. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, “You're a scumbag!” It always cheered me up!
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'scumbag' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?”
He yelled, “NO!” and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, “That's because you're a scumbag!”
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window… so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first scumbag, I thought I had better call the BMW scumbag too.
I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Can you tell me where I can see it?”
“Yes, I live at 1969 West 35th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front.”
“What's your name?” I asked.
“My name is Don Hanson,” he said.
“When's a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I'm home every evening after five.”
“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
“Yes?”
“Don, you're a scumbag.”
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial. Now, when I had a problem, I had two scumbags to call…
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea. I called Scumbag #1…
“Hello.”
“You're a scumbag!” (But I didn't hang up…)
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I said.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“My name is Don Hanson.”
“Yeah? Where do you live?”
“Scumbag, I live at 1969 West 35th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front.”
He said, “I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I'm really scared, scumbag.”
Then I called Scumbag #2.
“Hello?” he said.
“Hello, scumbag,” I said.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are, I'll…”
“You'll what?” I said.
“I'll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.
I answered, “Well, scumbag, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.”
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1969 West 35th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called CKVU Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 35th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 35th Street.
There I saw two scumbags beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.
Now I feel a lot better…
When you have a REALLY bad day, take it out on someone you don't know!
[When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know - take it out on someone you don't know…]
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, “Hello.”
I politely said, “This is Jason Braemore. Could I please speak with Rachel Carter?”
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me - I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Rachel's correct number and called her - I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again…
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You're a scumbag!” and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'scumbag' next to it, and put it on my speed dial. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, “You're a scumbag!” It always cheered me up!
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'scumbag' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?”
He yelled, “NO!” and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, “That's because you're a scumbag!”
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window… so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first scumbag, I thought I had better call the BMW scumbag too.
I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Can you tell me where I can see it?”
“Yes, I live at 1969 West 35th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front.”
“What's your name?” I asked.
“My name is Don Hanson,” he said.
“When's a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I'm home every evening after five.”
“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
“Yes?”
“Don, you're a scumbag.”
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial. Now, when I had a problem, I had two scumbags to call…
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea. I called Scumbag #1…
“Hello.”
“You're a scumbag!” (But I didn't hang up…)
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I said.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“My name is Don Hanson.”
“Yeah? Where do you live?”
“Scumbag, I live at 1969 West 35th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front.”
He said, “I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I'm really scared, scumbag.”
Then I called Scumbag #2.
“Hello?” he said.
“Hello, scumbag,” I said.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are, I'll…”
“You'll what?” I said.
“I'll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.
I answered, “Well, scumbag, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.”
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1969 West 35th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called CKVU Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 35th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 35th Street.
There I saw two scumbags beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.
Now I feel a lot better…
Violinist in the Metro
This is an incredibly sad story which gave me chills. It is a social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people.
A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning.
He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that thousands of people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.
Three minutes went by and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried up to meet his schedule.
A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping continued to walk.
A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.
The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.
In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace.
He collected $32.
When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it.
No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.
No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the best musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars.
Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston and the seats average $100.
Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of an social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?
One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be:
If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing?
My additional thoughts would only be that so many people do things because they are "fashionable" that they forget to look at things with their own eyes, listen with their own ears, and appreciate anything with their own hearts.
A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning.
He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that thousands of people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.
Three minutes went by and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried up to meet his schedule.
A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping continued to walk.
A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.
The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.
In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace.
He collected $32.
When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it.
No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.
No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the best musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars.
Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston and the seats average $100.
Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of an social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?
One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be:
If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing?
My additional thoughts would only be that so many people do things because they are "fashionable" that they forget to look at things with their own eyes, listen with their own ears, and appreciate anything with their own hearts.
position is important
Four nuns are going up to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates and says:
"I have to ask you all something: have you ever touched a man's penis"?
The first nun replies: "Only once, and just with the tip of my finger".
St. Peter replies: "Very well then. Dip your finger in the holy water and go on into heaven".
He asks the second nun the same question, and she replies:
"Just once....with.. um... the palm of my hand".
"Wash your hand in the holy water and go on into heaven".
Just then the fourth nun barges in front of the third nun.
"Please wait your turn" says St.Peter.
The fourth nun angrily replies:
"I am not gargling with that after she's had her ass in it"!
"I have to ask you all something: have you ever touched a man's penis"?
The first nun replies: "Only once, and just with the tip of my finger".
St. Peter replies: "Very well then. Dip your finger in the holy water and go on into heaven".
He asks the second nun the same question, and she replies:
"Just once....with.. um... the palm of my hand".
"Wash your hand in the holy water and go on into heaven".
Just then the fourth nun barges in front of the third nun.
"Please wait your turn" says St.Peter.
The fourth nun angrily replies:
"I am not gargling with that after she's had her ass in it"!
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