We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we had put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night, so she decides to tell the taxi driver that ‘I will be out soon, He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me, but it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
shiny new bike
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop looked down and said to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
The kid said, “Yeah!”
The cop said, “Well next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on it.” The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took the ticket, but before riding off he said, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
Humoring the kid, the cop said, “Yeah, he sure did.”
The kid said, “Well next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”
The cop looked down and said to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
The kid said, “Yeah!”
The cop said, “Well next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on it.” The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took the ticket, but before riding off he said, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
Humoring the kid, the cop said, “Yeah, he sure did.”
The kid said, “Well next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”
Thursday, December 24, 2009
the perfect gift
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
Saturday, October 31, 2009
party
Ali G went to his mate's fancy dress costume party wearing nothing but a girl on his back. "So what are you supposed to be?" the host asked indignantly. "I iz a snail," Ali replied. The exasperated host asked, "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?" Ali replied. "Dat iz Michelle
Saturday, August 15, 2009
late one night
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time!" He thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three." Says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. His wife says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three." Says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. His wife says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
Friday, August 14, 2009
A nun
badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
Thursday, August 13, 2009
A young couple with a box of condoms
proceeded to do the wild thing.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them." Later, she then approached her male confidante friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them." Later, she then approached her male confidante friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
A Martian couple landed on Earth
They emerged from their spacecraft and went up to a farmhouse. They knocked on the door.
When the farmer and his wife answered, they announced that they were from Mars and wanted to come in to chat.
The farm couple extended their hospitality and they all seemed to hit it off well. After a while, the farmer said, "Do you two swing?"
The Martian replied, "Why yes, we do." And so they swapped mates and adjourned for appropriate activity.
After the Martian man had climbed on, he said to the Earth woman, "Is my dick long enough?"
She replied, "Well...now that you mention it, it could be a little longer."
"No problem," he said and proceeded to twist his left ear. Like magic, his dick got longer. "How's that now?"
"One notch more!" said the woman.
Her request was promptly complied with via another twist of the left ear. His next question was, "Would you like it a little thicker?"
"Don't mind if it is." she replied. He twisted his right ear once. The woman said, "That's perfect!" They proceeded to bang away.
The next morning the Earth couple were comparing experiences and the husband said, "How was it for you?"
The wife replied, "Super! How about you?"
The husband responded, "Well, it was pretty good except for one thing."
"What was that?" his wife inquired.
"She damn near tore my friggin ears off!"
When the farmer and his wife answered, they announced that they were from Mars and wanted to come in to chat.
The farm couple extended their hospitality and they all seemed to hit it off well. After a while, the farmer said, "Do you two swing?"
The Martian replied, "Why yes, we do." And so they swapped mates and adjourned for appropriate activity.
After the Martian man had climbed on, he said to the Earth woman, "Is my dick long enough?"
She replied, "Well...now that you mention it, it could be a little longer."
"No problem," he said and proceeded to twist his left ear. Like magic, his dick got longer. "How's that now?"
"One notch more!" said the woman.
Her request was promptly complied with via another twist of the left ear. His next question was, "Would you like it a little thicker?"
"Don't mind if it is." she replied. He twisted his right ear once. The woman said, "That's perfect!" They proceeded to bang away.
The next morning the Earth couple were comparing experiences and the husband said, "How was it for you?"
The wife replied, "Super! How about you?"
The husband responded, "Well, it was pretty good except for one thing."
"What was that?" his wife inquired.
"She damn near tore my friggin ears off!"
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
AROMA THERAPY
An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, bends over and farts... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"
Monday, August 10, 2009
How about a fart joke?
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Ben, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BB's in the other. He tripped and the BB's, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Ben could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Ben's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary..."
Thinking it over, Ben could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Ben's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary..."
Sunday, August 9, 2009
a guy goes into a bar with his friends
The other day I went to a strip bar with a couple of guys. One of the guys gets into his wallet and flashes a $10 bill at one of the dancers. When she came over to our table, he licked the bill and stuck it on her ass.
The second guy with us decided he didn't want to be out done so he took a $50 dollar bill, licked it and stuck it to her other butt cheek.
Now the pressure was on me. As the dancer made her way towards me, I reached in my wallet and discovered all I had was a $5 bill.
Not to be outdone, however, I grabbed my ATM card, swiped it down her ass, grabbed the $60 dollars and went home!
The second guy with us decided he didn't want to be out done so he took a $50 dollar bill, licked it and stuck it to her other butt cheek.
Now the pressure was on me. As the dancer made her way towards me, I reached in my wallet and discovered all I had was a $5 bill.
Not to be outdone, however, I grabbed my ATM card, swiped it down her ass, grabbed the $60 dollars and went home!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Guy walks into a bar...
...and orders a drink. He hears this voice "you look nice today" looks all around and can't figure out who's talking.He hears "nice shirt, looking good" Starts to freak out and the bartender says" Don't worry its just the nuts they're complimentary.
Friday, August 7, 2009
give me a chance
A Large and well established Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.
The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to scram.
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack.
"Take your axe and go cut it down!"
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the little man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back...
"Oh sure, that's what they call it now!
The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to scram.
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack.
"Take your axe and go cut it down!"
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the little man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back...
"Oh sure, that's what they call it now!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
the Irish
Paddy was walking through a field and sees a man drinking from a pool with his hand, Paddy shouts
"Na ol an t-uisce, ta se ian do ca bo!"
(Don’t drink the water, it’s full of cowshit).
The man shouts back "I’m English! Speak English, I don’t understand you." Paddy shouts back "Use both hands, you’ll get more in!"
"Na ol an t-uisce, ta se ian do ca bo!"
(Don’t drink the water, it’s full of cowshit).
The man shouts back "I’m English! Speak English, I don’t understand you." Paddy shouts back "Use both hands, you’ll get more in!"
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
good advice costs nothing and it's worth the price
A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.
"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can handle," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stock prices rose and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time in opening the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The simple message said, "Prepare three envelopes..."
"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can handle," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stock prices rose and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time in opening the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The simple message said, "Prepare three envelopes..."
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
organizational chart
A business is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
Monday, August 3, 2009
a man on a plane
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?'
She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.'
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'
'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'
'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of myths are there?'
'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.' Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.'
'Tonto,' the man said, ' Tonto Goldstein , but my friends call me Bubba.'
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?'
She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.'
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'
'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'
'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of myths are there?'
'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.' Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.'
'Tonto,' the man said, ' Tonto Goldstein , but my friends call me Bubba.'
Sunday, August 2, 2009
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
Saturday, August 1, 2009
the new guy
A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factor where he was just hired. The plant manufactures various latex products, and has a reputation for using cutting edge technology in their manufacturing process.
On one side of the building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud “hiss-pop” noise, and the shift manager asks his tour guide what it’s doing. “As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise.” he says “The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”
On the other side of the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a “hiss.. hiss… hiss-pop” sound during the manufacturing process. “Wait a second,” the future shift manager says, “I know what the hiss, hiss is… but what’s with the ‘pop’ noise every once in a while?”
“Oh, that hehe. It’s the same as the baby bottle nipple process.” says the guide… “It pokes a hole in every third condom.”
“But that can’t be good for the condoms!” the observant shift manager replied.
“Nah, but it’s really good for the baby bottle nipple business
On one side of the building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud “hiss-pop” noise, and the shift manager asks his tour guide what it’s doing. “As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise.” he says “The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”
On the other side of the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a “hiss.. hiss… hiss-pop” sound during the manufacturing process. “Wait a second,” the future shift manager says, “I know what the hiss, hiss is… but what’s with the ‘pop’ noise every once in a while?”
“Oh, that hehe. It’s the same as the baby bottle nipple process.” says the guide… “It pokes a hole in every third condom.”
“But that can’t be good for the condoms!” the observant shift manager replied.
“Nah, but it’s really good for the baby bottle nipple business
Friday, July 31, 2009
Convent
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
'I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.
'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'
'I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.
'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Little Johnny
Johnny came home one day and announced: “ Today at school we learnt how to make babies.” The parents were embarrassed by this, as they had not bothered to introduce the subject to him at such a young age. So they quickly changed the subject. At night, when the mother was tucking in Johnny in bed, she asked: “So how do you make babies?” “Simple. You drop the y and add ies.”
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
my short wal-mart career
After landing my new retirement job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud-mouthed, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a nice day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud-mouthed, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a nice day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
naughty nurse
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well soon from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well soon from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."
Monday, July 27, 2009
California History Lesson
Sunday, July 26, 2009
some funny tongue twisters
These funny tongue twisters are difficult to say and may be a little dirty if you say them wrong.
I slit the sheet - the sheet I slit - and on the slitted sheet I sit.
Try to keep repeating the phrase "Red lorry, yellow lorry"
She sells sea shells on the sea shore !
Six slippery snails, slid slowly seaward.
I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant pluckers son.
And I'm only plucking pleasants
'till the pheasant plucker comes.
Silly Simon's sitting in a shoe shine shop.
Where he sits he shines, and where he shines he sits.
I slit the sheet - the sheet I slit - and on the slitted sheet I sit.
Try to keep repeating the phrase "Red lorry, yellow lorry"
She sells sea shells on the sea shore !
Six slippery snails, slid slowly seaward.
I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant pluckers son.
And I'm only plucking pleasants
'till the pheasant plucker comes.
Silly Simon's sitting in a shoe shine shop.
Where he sits he shines, and where he shines he sits.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Pfizer Corp. is making the announcement
today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a
power beverage for use as a mixer.
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs, and just a good old fashioned stiff drink.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount And Do. Also, something to think about: the long-term implications of drugs and medical procedures must be fully considered. Over the past few
years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's Disease research. It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.
power beverage for use as a mixer.
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs, and just a good old fashioned stiff drink.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount And Do. Also, something to think about: the long-term implications of drugs and medical procedures must be fully considered. Over the past few
years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's Disease research. It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.
Friday, July 24, 2009
I dont konw what went wrong...
last night I was trying to give my wife a really romantic evening...
I got home early from work, cleaned the whole house, even moped the floor, I prepared a nice salmon dinner with roasted potato's and aspaurgus, and made her a cherry jubliee for desert. After, I went upstairs to prepare her a candle lit bubble bath with rose petals and and chilled champagne.
she got in and started to relax, then she asked me to join her in the bath, well I did...I still dont konw what went wrong?.
.
I got home early from work, cleaned the whole house, even moped the floor, I prepared a nice salmon dinner with roasted potato's and aspaurgus, and made her a cherry jubliee for desert. After, I went upstairs to prepare her a candle lit bubble bath with rose petals and and chilled champagne.
she got in and started to relax, then she asked me to join her in the bath, well I did...I still dont konw what went wrong?.
.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Racetrack
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack - Churchill Downs - to learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the boys up one by one so they could reach the urinals.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the boys up one by one so they could reach the urinals.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
A famous art collector
is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.
He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
prudent
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks -
"W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
"W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
Monday, July 20, 2009
should have taken the fifth
Husband and WIFE are sitting quietly in bed reading, when the WIFE looks over at him and asks the question.....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurt look).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?"
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's right-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Shit!!!"
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurt look).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?"
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's right-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Shit!!!"
Sunday, July 19, 2009
plan ahead
Dan was a single guy living at home with his Father
and working in the family business. When he found
out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
Father died, he decided he needed a wife with which
to share his fortune. One evening at an investment
meeting, he spotted a very beautiful woman and
decided he wanted her as his wife. 'I may look like
just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in a few
years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million
dollars.' Impressed, the woman obtained his business
card and three weeks later, she became his Stepmother.
Women are so much better at Estate planning than men.
and working in the family business. When he found
out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
Father died, he decided he needed a wife with which
to share his fortune. One evening at an investment
meeting, he spotted a very beautiful woman and
decided he wanted her as his wife. 'I may look like
just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in a few
years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million
dollars.' Impressed, the woman obtained his business
card and three weeks later, she became his Stepmother.
Women are so much better at Estate planning than men.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
well it's true..
One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom. When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean." The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it. So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole. Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.
Friday, July 17, 2009
The Blonde Mortician
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like
the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black
suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his
best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde
mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please
have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly .
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You
did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To
her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased
gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you
left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his
wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead,
and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like
the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black
suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his
best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde
mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please
have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly .
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You
did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To
her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased
gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you
left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his
wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead,
and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Dear Abby,
I met Laurie at a singles dance. I knew as soon as I looked at her she was too young for me. Right I was.I'm 49 and she was 32, 17 years my junior. I really regretted it because we got along so well that evening. She made me feel so comfortable in her presence. Our age difference didn't seem to matter to her as much as it did to me. Abby, I told her I felt people staring at us. I said they are probably wondering if I am your father. She thought I was being silly and said if I wanted to see her again she would be honored to go out with me. Laurie and I have been dating now for three months. I really like her and I think she likes me. Still, everywhere we go, I feel people watching us.
Sometimes they just outright stare. It is very annoying and I know it is because of our age difference that draws these prolonged looks from everyone we meet. I just feel so uncomfortable about this whole thing and wonder if I should continue with the relationship. Why do people have to be so rude?
Sincerely,
John
PS: I have attached a picture of my sweet Laurie.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Navajo Humor
A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in. During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them. "If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife." The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
For those of you
who watch what you eat here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks that the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British orAmericans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks that the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British orAmericans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Don't you just love politicians
A funeral director gets a call saying a congressman has died on Capital Hill and could they come collect the body.
He tells his partner he won't be long as its only down the road.
5 hours pass before he returns. His partner asked, "where the hell have you been?"
He replied, "it was a bloody nightmare! I had to wait till they all left for lunch to see which one was dead."
He tells his partner he won't be long as its only down the road.
5 hours pass before he returns. His partner asked, "where the hell have you been?"
He replied, "it was a bloody nightmare! I had to wait till they all left for lunch to see which one was dead."
Sunday, July 12, 2009
So this guy says to me...
when i'm 90, i'm going to shoplift because who's going to stop me, i'm old.
Then he said...
When I'm 90, i'm going to pull out my genitals in front of high school girls at the bus stop. I mean, why should I stop just because I'm old?
ay-yo!
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Electricity comes to the monastery
After almost 1600 years the monks of Saint Anglicine monastary were given electricity. Gone were the days of working by candlelight. As the final lights were installed the foreman was touring the grounds with the acceptance committee when they came across a monk, Peter, sobbing in a corner where he had been translating stone tablets into written texts. They rushed to his side asking "Brother Peter, what is wrong?"
Holding up an ancient tablet Peter sobbed "It says CELEBRATE."
Holding up an ancient tablet Peter sobbed "It says CELEBRATE."
Friday, July 10, 2009
In the old west an old farmer took a young wife
As they got into the wagon to go home one of the horses bucked. The old farmer hit it with his whip and said, "That's one."
On the trail the horse bucked again and the old farmer smacked it with the whip again and said,
"That's two."
As they pulled up in front of the farm the horse bucked again and the old farmer said,
"That's three", pulled out his shotgun and shot it dead.
"Oh my God," the young wife screamed, "What did you do that for/"
The old farmer looked at her and said
"That's one."
On the trail the horse bucked again and the old farmer smacked it with the whip again and said,
"That's two."
As they pulled up in front of the farm the horse bucked again and the old farmer said,
"That's three", pulled out his shotgun and shot it dead.
"Oh my God," the young wife screamed, "What did you do that for/"
The old farmer looked at her and said
"That's one."
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Ten considerations
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2009:
' Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers.
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow'
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2009:
' Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers.
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow'
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
A WEALTHY FAMOUS POLITICIAN was walking down
the street when a mugger walked up to him and said "give me all of your money" .
The politician, being outraged at being treated as he was not accustomed to retorts, "do you know who I am? I am a wealthy powerful political figure governing the people of this country!" The mugger is halted momentarily and then says "well then ugh... give me all MY money!"
The politician, being outraged at being treated as he was not accustomed to retorts, "do you know who I am? I am a wealthy powerful political figure governing the people of this country!" The mugger is halted momentarily and then says "well then ugh... give me all MY money!"
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
HAGS
A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad news. You have HAGS." "What is HAGS" the man asks.
"It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor.
"Oh my God" says the man. "What are you going to do?"
"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza."
"Is that going to help me" says the man.
"No" says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"
"It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor.
"Oh my God" says the man. "What are you going to do?"
"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza."
"Is that going to help me" says the man.
"No" says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"
Monday, July 6, 2009
Wasukima....
A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him "up" immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town.
Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "Wasukima! Wasukima!" He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.
Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.
As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted "Wasukima!".
All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked, "Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?"
Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "Wasukima! Wasukima!" He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.
Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.
As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted "Wasukima!".
All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked, "Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?"
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Folding bottle
This man goes to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
Saturday, July 4, 2009
old man's wisdom
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He finally went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman returned to the doctor a month later for a re-check.
The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
The elderly gentleman returned to the doctor a month later for a re-check.
The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Friday, July 3, 2009
a blond "guy" joke
A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
Thursday, July 2, 2009
The Wooden Bowl
I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year - old grandson.
The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered..
The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and
failing sight made eating difficult.. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor..
When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess
"We must do something about father," said the son.
"I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor."
So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.
When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence..
One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.
He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded,
"Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up."
The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless.
Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.
Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.
That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table.
For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason,
neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow..
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things:
a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life
I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life.."
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands.
You need to be able to throw something back.
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.
People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
boys will be boys
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Black Magic
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
A frequent statement was heard by the neighbors, who feared the man the most: "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" The neighbours believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
The man died abruptly under strange circumstances, and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there were no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme, while her neighbours approached in a group to ask these questions:
"Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Nah... let the old man dig . I had him buried upside down!"
A frequent statement was heard by the neighbors, who feared the man the most: "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" The neighbours believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
The man died abruptly under strange circumstances, and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there were no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme, while her neighbours approached in a group to ask these questions:
"Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Nah... let the old man dig . I had him buried upside down!"
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
SKINNY DIPPING
An elderly man in West Ohio had owned a large farm for several years with a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said
'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
Monday, June 29, 2009
a question of logic
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
Sunday, June 28, 2009
A plane full of
retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our visibility."
The passengers were numb with fear, except for one... a semi-retired minister..."Now, now, keep calm, folks" he said, "Let's all bow our heads and pray."
Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray... except one fellow near the back. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked.
"Well, I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.
"Well, just do something religious!" piped up another well meaning passenger.
So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat...
Saturday, June 27, 2009
eye catching
A Man is dining in a fancy Restaurant and there is this gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out,grabs it out of the air,and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye into place.
"Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together,and afterwards the theater followed by drinks.
They talk,they laugh,she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything,she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a night-cap....and stay for breakfast the next morning.
Next morning,she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!! Everything has been incredible!!!!
"You know," he said,"you are a perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy meet?"
"No,she replies....."
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out,grabs it out of the air,and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye into place.
"Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together,and afterwards the theater followed by drinks.
They talk,they laugh,she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything,she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a night-cap....and stay for breakfast the next morning.
Next morning,she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!! Everything has been incredible!!!!
"You know," he said,"you are a perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy meet?"
"No,she replies....."
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Friday, June 26, 2009
awaiting surgery
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?""Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife..."
Thursday, June 25, 2009
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a "drop off" (The ground is 18-24 inches below the level you are traveling on).
On your right is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you can not overtake it.
Behind you are two more galloping horses. The horses are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
scroll down....
Get your drunken ass off the merry-go-round
On your left side is a "drop off" (The ground is 18-24 inches below the level you are traveling on).
On your right is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you can not overtake it.
Behind you are two more galloping horses. The horses are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
scroll down....
Get your drunken ass off the merry-go-round
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
come to work
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomachache and legs hurt, I no come work.’
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.’
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon...
You got nice house"
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
A good Irish man, John O’Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness and having a contest as to who could make the best toast.
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife".
That won him the top prize for the toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night".
She said, "Aye, what was your toast ?"
John said, "Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife".
"Oh me that is very nice indeed John", Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary".
She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself ! You know, he’s only been there twice ! Once he fell asleep and the other time, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come !"
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife".
That won him the top prize for the toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night".
She said, "Aye, what was your toast ?"
John said, "Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife".
"Oh me that is very nice indeed John", Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary".
She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself ! You know, he’s only been there twice ! Once he fell asleep and the other time, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come !"
Monday, June 22, 2009
mulligan
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me." she told him.
"Oh no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes." the man replied.
He was in obvious agony lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked.... "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts."
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me." she told him.
"Oh no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes." the man replied.
He was in obvious agony lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked.... "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts."
Sunday, June 21, 2009
If Christianity was a crime, would you be acquitted?
One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories. As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church." "I did," replied the old cowboy. "If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories. As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church." "I did," replied the old cowboy. "If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."
Saturday, June 20, 2009
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car breakdown in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Grandma
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.' Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy 's mom wants to talk to you...'
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.' Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy 's mom wants to talk to you...'
Thursday, June 18, 2009
be careful what you wish for...
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He got a job with Microsoft, writing error messages.
When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He got a job with Microsoft, writing error messages.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Nice to be abroad at night..
Two blond girls from Orlando walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
"That’s quite nice, don’t cha think, Susan."
"Yeah. What’s it called Sharon?"
"Viens a moi."
"Viens a moi? What’s that mean?"
At this point the store clerk offers some help.
"Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ’come to me.’"
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Susan again saying,
"That doesn't smell like cum to me. Does that smell like cum to you?"
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
"That’s quite nice, don’t cha think, Susan."
"Yeah. What’s it called Sharon?"
"Viens a moi."
"Viens a moi? What’s that mean?"
At this point the store clerk offers some help.
"Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ’come to me.’"
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Susan again saying,
"That doesn't smell like cum to me. Does that smell like cum to you?"
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
police
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Monday, June 15, 2009
Karen lost her husband
Karen lost her husband four years prior and was having trouble moving on. Her daughter repeatedly urged her to return back to the world. Finally, Karen agreed to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter knew just the person for her.
They fell in love and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was naked.
"Why the black panties?" he asked.
She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night. The following night, same scenario. There she stood with the black panties on, only now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"
He replied "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
They fell in love and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was naked.
"Why the black panties?" he asked.
She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night. The following night, same scenario. There she stood with the black panties on, only now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"
He replied "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Perspective
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing very well.
Only two left."
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing very well.
Only two left."
What Goes Around, Comes Around
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Kids Say the Darnedest Things
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny
replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie
said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your
panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned,
James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
Too much information! (Don't phone and shit ) why you shouldn't use your cell phone in the bathroom
All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jump start the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order for my wife. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience:
0. Occupied.
1. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.
2. Poo on seat.
3. Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
4. No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.
Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Sh1tter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.
I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Sh1tter was blathering to Mrs. Sh1tter about the sh1tty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.
Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.
Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.
"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"
I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.
0. Occupied.
1. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.
2. Poo on seat.
3. Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
4. No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.
Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Sh1tter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.
I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Sh1tter was blathering to Mrs. Sh1tter about the sh1tty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.
Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.
Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.
"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"
Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poos, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.
Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony "Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..."
followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.
Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.
There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.
As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.
Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony "Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..."
followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.
Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.
There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.
considerations
As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.
I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.
Squirrels and the Churches
There were five churches in a small town:
The Islamic Mosque,
The Baptist Church ,
The Methodist Church ,
The Catholic Church,
& The Jewish Synagogue.
Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Islamic Mosque called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But - The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas & Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
The Islamic Mosque,
The Baptist Church ,
The Methodist Church ,
The Catholic Church,
& The Jewish Synagogue.
Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Islamic Mosque called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But - The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas & Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Yahoo News
Microsoft Confirms Plans to Release Free Anti-Virus Service
Barry Levine, cio-today.com Barry Levine, cio-today.com – Thu Jun 11, 1:01 pm ET
As it gets ready to launch a new operating system, Microsoft confirmed Wednesday that it is getting ready to release a free anti-virus service later this year.
The new service is currently code-named Morro, apparently after the Morro de Sao Paolo beach area in Brazil. Observers are expecting the free service to compete directly with McAfee and Symantec, two of the leading companies in this field.
A Microsoft spokesperson told news media that the software giant is currently internally testing the new software among its employees, and then it will offer a public beta at some unspecified point in 2009. The software is expected to be available for computers running Windows Vista, XP, and the upcoming Windows 7.
'Basic Anti-Malware Software'
Microsoft had previously launched security services with Live OneCare, for which retail sales will be discontinued by the end of this month, although support will continue to the end of current subscriptions. All OneCare sales, including those online, are expected to be phased out as Morro ramps up.
It is expected that Morro will only be available via online download, not as part of Windows 7.
Peter Firstbrook, an analyst with industry research firm Gartner, described Morro as "basic anti-malware software," using the OneCare engine. These days, he said, "signature-based anti-virus software is basically a commodity," and, with no price, Morro is likely to "get a really good reception."
"Microsoft originally got into anti-viral protection," he added, "because they felt that Symantec and McAfee weren't really getting enough penetration, people's machines were getting infected, and it was impacting the Microsoft experience."
'Bigger Target'
If Morro provides good protection, he said, it could "provide a significant value for users." He added that, from Microsoft's perspective, free anti-viral software improves user experience with Microsoft-based products and, because the company will receive feedback in the form of data from users, it will help them to improve their charged-for enterprise products.
Laura DiDio, an analyst with Information Technology Intelligence Corp., said that Microsoft has been "beaten up about its security." Initially, she said, some of those criticisms were justified, because the company paid less attention to security needs for PCs than it does now.
"It's not so much that Microsoft products are inherently more insecure," she said, "but if you're the world's biggest software company, you're a bigger target" and there are more attacks against you. DiDio noted that Microsoft has what she called a "huge department" devoted to security, and that a free version of Morro could show that they are "being responsible" about security.
DiDio added that she expected consumers and businesses to at least give Morro a look. In 2009, she said, "when you say something is from Microsoft, is free, and is about security, it deserves a look."
Barry Levine, cio-today.com Barry Levine, cio-today.com – Thu Jun 11, 1:01 pm ET
As it gets ready to launch a new operating system, Microsoft confirmed Wednesday that it is getting ready to release a free anti-virus service later this year.
The new service is currently code-named Morro, apparently after the Morro de Sao Paolo beach area in Brazil. Observers are expecting the free service to compete directly with McAfee and Symantec, two of the leading companies in this field.
A Microsoft spokesperson told news media that the software giant is currently internally testing the new software among its employees, and then it will offer a public beta at some unspecified point in 2009. The software is expected to be available for computers running Windows Vista, XP, and the upcoming Windows 7.
'Basic Anti-Malware Software'
Microsoft had previously launched security services with Live OneCare, for which retail sales will be discontinued by the end of this month, although support will continue to the end of current subscriptions. All OneCare sales, including those online, are expected to be phased out as Morro ramps up.
It is expected that Morro will only be available via online download, not as part of Windows 7.
Peter Firstbrook, an analyst with industry research firm Gartner, described Morro as "basic anti-malware software," using the OneCare engine. These days, he said, "signature-based anti-virus software is basically a commodity," and, with no price, Morro is likely to "get a really good reception."
"Microsoft originally got into anti-viral protection," he added, "because they felt that Symantec and McAfee weren't really getting enough penetration, people's machines were getting infected, and it was impacting the Microsoft experience."
'Bigger Target'
If Morro provides good protection, he said, it could "provide a significant value for users." He added that, from Microsoft's perspective, free anti-viral software improves user experience with Microsoft-based products and, because the company will receive feedback in the form of data from users, it will help them to improve their charged-for enterprise products.
Laura DiDio, an analyst with Information Technology Intelligence Corp., said that Microsoft has been "beaten up about its security." Initially, she said, some of those criticisms were justified, because the company paid less attention to security needs for PCs than it does now.
"It's not so much that Microsoft products are inherently more insecure," she said, "but if you're the world's biggest software company, you're a bigger target" and there are more attacks against you. DiDio noted that Microsoft has what she called a "huge department" devoted to security, and that a free version of Morro could show that they are "being responsible" about security.
DiDio added that she expected consumers and businesses to at least give Morro a look. In 2009, she said, "when you say something is from Microsoft, is free, and is about security, it deserves a look."
Islam
The governor of Syria, Mu’ Awiyah, was the nephew of Uthman, the former, and now murdered, caliph. Mu’ Awiyah accused Ali of planning the murder of his uncle, so that he could take power for himself.
The supporters of Mu’ Awiyah fought for several years against the supporters of Ali for control of the government. In A.D. 661 Ali was murdered by one of his own followers, ending the civil war.
Mu’ Awiyah was now the undisputed ruler of Islam. The followers of Ali were upset at their lose, and refused to accept the rule of Mu’ Awiyah. Instead they installed the son of Ali as their leader. A man by the name of Husayn.
Those who followed Husayn became known as the Shiite Muslims, while those who remained faithful to Mu’ Awiyah were known as the Suni Muslims.
The Umayyad Dynasty
From A.D. 661 until A.D. 750 Islam would be ruled by the descendants of Mu’ Awiyah known as the Umayyads. Under the guidance of the Umayyads, Islam continued its rapid spread throughout the world.
The Umayyad armies went as far East as China, and as far West as Spain. Islam quickly became one of the largest and most powerful nations on Earth.
The Abbasids Dynasty
The Shiites continued to work against the Sunni Umayyad leaders. A building resentment for the Umayyads was furthered by their mistreatment of non-Arab Muslims. These non-Arabs were considered second class citizens. They paid higher taxes, and had fewer rights.
In A.D. 747 the Shiites and non-Arab Muslims gathered together an army under the leadership of Abu’ l-‘ Abbas, who was a direct descendant of Muhammad.
After defeating the Umayyads, Abbas established himself as caliph. He and his descendants would rule Islam until A.D. 1258. They would become known as the Abbasids Dynasty.
Abbas commissioned the building of a new city. A city that would grow to become one of the wealthiest cities in the region. He named his new capital city Baghdad. By A.D. 900 over one million people lived and worked in Baghdad.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
MSNBC
Homegrown hate groups increase in number
Watchdog group blames recession, election of first black president
 |
The face of homegrown hate Nightly NewsJune 10: With hate groups on the rise, watchdog organizations are looking at the recession, anti-immigration and the election of the nation's first black president as key factors. NBC's Mara Schiavocampo reports. |
By Mara Schiavocampo
Correspondent
NBC News
updated 7:21 p.m. ET, Wed., June 10, 2009
|
Their critics say that groups like NSM are the faces of homegrown hate, something the NSM denies. They instead call themselves a “white civil rights organization.” Its ultimate goal is to whitewash America. If they had their way, U.S. citizenship would be limited to “those of pure white blood”; minorities would live in the country as guests. All Jewish people and gays would be forced to leave and immigration would be prohibited.
“Right across the board, extremist groups are thriving right now,” says Mark Potok, Director of the Southern Poverty Law Center’s Intelligence Project.
The SPLC has been tracking hate groups for almost 30 years. In its spring 2009 Intelligence Report, they found that 926 hate groups are currently operating in the U.S., an all-time high. These groups include the Ku Klux Klan, neo-Nazis, racist skinheads and Black separatists.
Potok attributes this rise in hate groups to the recession, the election of the nation’s first black president, and the immigration debate.
“We’re looking at a kind of perfect storm of factors that really favor the continued growth of these groups,” he says.
Out House
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!
"
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole,
Looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!
"
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole,
Looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
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