my short wal-mart career

After landing my new retirement job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud-mouthed,  unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?'   So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a nice day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Ten considerations

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...  Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2009:

' Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers.
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow'

The Wooden Bowl

I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year - old grandson.
The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered..
The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and
failing sight made eating difficult.. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor..
When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess
"We must do something about father," said the son.
"I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor."

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.

There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.

When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence..

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.

He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded,
"Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up."
The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless.
Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.
Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table.

For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason,
neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow..

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things:
a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life.."

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands.
You need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.

People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

awaiting surgery

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife..."

And that's the truth

If Christianity was a crime, would you be acquitted?

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories. As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church." "I did," replied the old cowboy. "If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."

Perspective

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.


One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically,

"We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing very well.

Only two left."

What Goes Around, Comes Around

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window. 


He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. 


Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" 


"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." 


"That is right," said the doctor. 


He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" 


"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." 


"Correct," replied the shady doctor. 


Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. 


He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" 


"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."