Convent

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

'I must tell you all something.

We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.

'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'

Little Johnny

Johnny came home one day and announced: “ Today at school we learnt how to make babies.” The parents were embarrassed by this, as they had not bothered to introduce the subject to him at such a young age. So they quickly changed the subject. At night, when the mother was tucking in Johnny in bed, she asked: “So how do you make babies?” “Simple. You drop the y and add ies.”

my short wal-mart career

After landing my new retirement job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud-mouthed,  unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?'   So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a nice day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

naughty nurse

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. 

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
 
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well soon from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week." 

California History Lesson

158 years ago, California became a state. The State had no electricity. The State had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically it was just like it is today, except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.

some funny tongue twisters

These funny tongue twisters are difficult to say and may be a little dirty if you say them wrong.


I slit the sheet - the sheet I slit - and on the slitted sheet I sit.


Try to keep repeating the phrase "Red lorry, yellow lorry"


She sells sea shells on the sea shore !


Six slippery snails, slid slowly seaward.


I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant pluckers son.
And I'm only plucking pleasants
'till the pheasant plucker comes.


Silly Simon's sitting in a shoe shine shop.
Where he sits he shines, and where he shines he sits.

Pfizer Corp. is making the announcement

today that VIAGRA will soon  be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a
power beverage for use as a mixer. 

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no  longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs, and just a good old fashioned stiff drink.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount And Do.   Also, something to think about: the long-term implications of drugs  and medical procedures must be fully considered. Over the past few
years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's Disease research. It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.

I dont konw what went wrong...

last night I was trying to give my wife a really romantic evening...

I got home early from work, cleaned the whole house, even moped the floor, I prepared a nice salmon dinner with roasted potato's and aspaurgus, and made her a cherry jubliee for desert. After, I went upstairs to prepare her a candle lit bubble bath with rose petals and and chilled champagne.

she got in and started to relax, then she asked me to join her in the bath, well I did...I still dont konw what went wrong?.
.

Racetrack

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack - Churchill Downs - to learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
 
Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the boys up one by one so they could reach the urinals.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
 
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."

A famous art collector

is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.

He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

prudent

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks -
"W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

should have taken the fifth

Husband and WIFE are sitting quietly in bed reading, when the WIFE looks over at him and asks the question.....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurt look).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?"
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's right-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Shit!!!"

plan ahead

Dan was a single guy living at home with his Father
and working in the family business. When he found
out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
Father died, he decided he needed a wife with which
to share his fortune. One evening at an investment
meeting, he spotted a very beautiful woman and
decided he wanted her as his wife. 'I may look like
just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in a few
years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million
dollars.' Impressed, the woman obtained his business
card and three weeks later, she became his Stepmother.

Women are so much better at Estate planning than men.

well it's true..

One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom. When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean." The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it. So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole. Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.

The Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like
the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black
suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his
best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde
mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please
have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly .

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You
did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To
her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased
gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you
left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his
wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead,
and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

Dear Abby,

I met Laurie at a singles dance. I knew as soon as I looked at her she was too young for me. Right I was.

I'm 49 and she was 32, 17 years my junior. I really regretted it because we got along so well that evening. She made me feel so comfortable in her presence. Our age difference didn't seem to matter to her as much as it did to me. Abby, I told her I felt people staring at us. I said they are probably wondering if I am your father. She thought I was being silly and said if I wanted to see her again she would be honored to go out with me. Laurie and I have been dating now for three months. I really like her and I think she likes me. Still, everywhere we go, I feel people watching us.

Sometimes they just outright stare. It is very annoying and I know it is because of our age difference that draws these prolonged looks from everyone we meet. I just feel so uncomfortable about this whole thing and wonder if I should continue with the relationship. Why do people have to be so rude?

Sincerely,

John

PS: I have attached a picture of my sweet Laurie.

Navajo Humor

A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in. During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them. "If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife." The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

For those of you

who watch what you eat here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks that the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British orAmericans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Don't you just love politicians

A funeral director gets a call saying a congressman has died on Capital Hill and could they come collect the body.

He tells his partner he won't be long as its only down the road.

5 hours pass before he returns. His partner asked, "where the hell have you been?"

He replied, "it was a bloody nightmare! I had to wait till they all left for lunch to see which one was dead."

So this guy says to me...

when i'm 90, i'm going to shoplift because who's going to stop me, i'm old.

(He steals jokes, i know)

Then he said...

When I'm 90, i'm going to pull out my genitals in front of high school girls at the bus stop. I mean, why should I stop just because I'm old?

ay-yo!

Electricity comes to the monastery

After almost 1600 years the monks of Saint Anglicine monastary were given electricity. Gone were the days of working by candlelight. As the final lights were installed the foreman was touring the grounds with the acceptance committee when they came across a monk, Peter, sobbing in a corner where he had been translating stone tablets into written texts. They rushed to his side asking "Brother Peter, what is wrong?"
Holding up an ancient tablet Peter sobbed "It says CELEBRATE."

In the old west an old farmer took a young wife

As they got into the wagon to go home one of the horses bucked. The old farmer hit it with his whip and said, "That's one."
On the trail the horse bucked again and the old farmer smacked it with the whip again and said,
"That's two."
As they pulled up in front of the farm the horse bucked again and the old farmer said,
"That's three", pulled out his shotgun and shot it dead.
"Oh my God," the young wife screamed, "What did you do that for/"
The old farmer looked at her and said  
"That's one."

Ten considerations

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...  Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2009:

' Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers.
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow'

A WEALTHY FAMOUS POLITICIAN was walking down

the street when a mugger walked up to him and said "give me all of your money" . 

The politician, being outraged at being treated as he was not accustomed to retorts, "do you know who I am? I am a wealthy powerful political figure governing the people of this country!" The mugger is halted momentarily and then says "well then ugh... give me all MY money!"

HAGS

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad news. You have HAGS." "What is HAGS" the man asks.

"It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor.

"Oh my God" says the man. "What are you going to do?"

"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza."

"Is that going to help me" says the man.

"No" says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"

Wasukima....

A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him "up" immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town.

Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "Wasukima! Wasukima!" He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.

Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.

As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted "Wasukima!".

All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked, "Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?"

Folding bottle

This man goes to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"

"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

old man's wisdom

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He finally went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman returned to the doctor a month later for a re-check.

The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Patriot Pads

Land of the free...

Happy Indipendence Day

a blond "guy" joke

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." 

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" 

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." 

"All right. How long do you need them?" 

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." 

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

you can almost hear him

The Wooden Bowl

I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year - old grandson.
The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered..
The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and
failing sight made eating difficult.. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor..
When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess
"We must do something about father," said the son.
"I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor."

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.

There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.

When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence..

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.

He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded,
"Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up."
The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless.
Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.
Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table.

For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason,
neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow..

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things:
a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life.."

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands.
You need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.

People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

boys will be boys

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

Black Magic

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

A frequent statement was heard by the neighbors, who feared the man the most: "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" The neighbours believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

The man died abruptly under strange circumstances, and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there were no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme, while her neighbours approached in a group to ask these questions:

"Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Nah... let the old man dig . I had him buried upside down!"