- Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. - His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Meeting the future in-laws for dinner
Stock Market Investment tips for 2009
Get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2009.
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1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: Knott NOW!
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new
name: Titty Titty Bang Bang
There was this amish
- guy taking an amish girl on a first date in an open buggy.
After a little while he says "man my hands are cold.
She says "here put them between my legs and warm them up"
So he does.
After a little while he says "man my nose is cold"
She says "here put it between my legs and warm it up"
So he does.
Eventually when they get to where they're going he says - "my penis is frozen hard"
So she lets him warm it up too.
The next day she ask s her mom "mom what is a penis?"
Her mom says "I don't know? Do you?
Daughter says "I don't know either but what ever it is, - It sure makes a mess when it thaws out!!"
Things You Probably Know, But Have Forgotten
-
Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle."
A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)
By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb (sign of a truely civilized society.)
The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!
Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
96 FM Radio Vacation in Bali
- A Cork radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
- DJ: 96FM here, what's your name?
- Caller: Hi my names's Dave
- DJ: Dave, what's your word?
- Caller: Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronunced GO-AN
- DJ: You are correct Dave 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense.
- Caller: Goan fuck yourself
- The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, unsuccessful until:
- DJ: 96FM, what's your name?
- Caller: Hi the name is Jeff
- DJ: Jeff, what's your word?
- Caller: Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'.
- DJ: ... You are correct, Jeff 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that makes sense?
- Caller: Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!
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