late one night

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time!" He thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three." Says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. His wife says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

A nun

badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

A young couple with a box of condoms

proceeded to do the wild thing.
 
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
 
His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them." Later, she then approached her male confidante friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
 
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
 
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
 
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

A Martian couple landed on Earth

They emerged from their spacecraft and went up to a farmhouse. They knocked on the door.

When the farmer and his wife answered, they announced that they were from Mars and wanted to come in to chat.

The farm couple extended their hospitality and they all seemed to hit it off well. After a while, the farmer said, "Do you two swing?"

The Martian replied, "Why yes, we do." And so they swapped mates and adjourned for appropriate activity.

After the Martian man had climbed on, he said to the Earth woman, "Is my dick long enough?"

She replied, "Well...now that you mention it, it could be a little longer."

"No problem," he said and proceeded to twist his left ear. Like magic, his dick got longer. "How's that now?"
"One notch more!" said the woman.

Her request was promptly complied with via another twist of the left ear. His next question was, "Would you like it a little thicker?"

"Don't mind if it is." she replied. He twisted his right ear once. The woman said, "That's perfect!" They proceeded to bang away.

The next morning the Earth couple were comparing experiences and the husband said, "How was it for you?"

The wife replied, "Super! How about you?"

The husband responded, "Well, it was pretty good except for one thing."

"What was that?" his wife inquired.

"She damn near tore my friggin ears off!"

AROMA THERAPY

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, bends over and farts... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"

How about a fart joke?

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Ben, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BB's in the other. He tripped and the BB's, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.

Thinking it over, Ben could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.

The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Ben's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"

Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"

"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary..."

a guy goes into a bar with his friends

The other day I went to a strip bar with a couple of guys. One of the guys gets into his wallet and flashes a $10 bill at one of the dancers. When she came over to our table, he licked the bill and stuck it on her ass.

The second guy with us decided he didn't want to be out done so he took a $50 dollar bill, licked it and stuck it to her other butt cheek.

Now the pressure was on me. As the dancer made her way towards me, I reached in my wallet and discovered all I had was a $5 bill.

Not to be outdone, however, I grabbed my ATM card, swiped it down her ass, grabbed the $60 dollars and went home!

Guy walks into a bar...

...and orders a drink. He hears this voice "you look nice today" looks all around and can't figure out who's talking.He hears "nice shirt, looking good" Starts to freak out and the bartender says" Don't worry its just the nuts they're complimentary.

give me a chance

A Large and well established Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to scram.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack.
"Take your axe and go cut it down!"

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the little man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back...
"Oh sure, that's what they call it now!

the Irish

Paddy was walking through a field and sees a man drinking from a pool with his hand, Paddy shouts  
"Na ol an t-uisce, ta se ian do ca bo!" 
(Don’t drink the water, it’s full of cowshit).

The man shouts back "I’m English! Speak English, I don’t understand you." Paddy shouts back "Use both hands, you’ll get more in!"

good advice costs nothing and it's worth the price

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can handle," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stock prices rose and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time in opening the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The simple message said, "Prepare three envelopes..."

organizational chart

A business is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

a man on a plane

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?'

She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of myths are there?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.' Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.'

'Tonto,' the man said, ' Tonto Goldstein , but my friends call me Bubba.'

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

the new guy

A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factor where he was just hired. The plant manufactures various latex products, and has a reputation for using cutting edge technology in their manufacturing process.

On one side of the building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud “hiss-pop” noise, and the shift manager asks his tour guide what it’s doing. “As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise.” he says “The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”

On the other side of the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a “hiss.. hiss… hiss-pop” sound during the manufacturing process. “Wait a second,” the future shift manager says, “I know what the hiss, hiss is… but what’s with the ‘pop’ noise every once in a while?”

“Oh, that hehe. It’s the same as the baby bottle nipple process.” says the guide… “It pokes a hole in every third condom.”

“But that can’t be good for the condoms!” the observant shift manager replied.

“Nah, but it’s really good for the baby bottle nipple business